I’m hoping that when I finally meet my Great Reward, my obituary will say, “He died doing what he loved: coming up with filthy Ruminations on the shitter.”
Topic: death
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
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I can always tell when I’m getting better after being sick when
I can always tell when I’m getting better after being sick when I again feel well enough to jerk off to Shake-Weight commericals on YouTube.
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Scientists now say that a woman can go blind from playing with
Scientists now say that a woman can go blind from playing with her clit too much, but efsjusbh h djxusuhs,
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Hiking is great. It’s is the only healthy activity you can take
Hiking is great. It’s is the only healthy activity you can take a shit in the middle of doing.
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While flipping through the TV channels, I found the “Thriller”
While flipping through the TV channels, I found the “Thriller” video in the middle of the zombie dance. My youngest son said, “I bet that’s what Michael looks like now.”
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Peanut allergies can cause rash, shortness of breath, toxic
Peanut allergies can cause rash, shortness of breath, toxic shock and me calling your kid a fucking pussy.
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These funeral ushers are not fucking around with the one free
These funeral ushers are not fucking around with the one free balloon per mourner limit.
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“There’s a one letter difference between ‘heroes’ and ‘herpes,’
“There’s a one letter difference between ‘heroes’ and ‘herpes,’ so choose wisely, kids.” Why I’m not allowed to speak at schools anymore.
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My Shit Doesn’t Stink
The doctor asks the man, “What seems to be the problem, sir?”
The man says, “Well doc, this is gonna sound a little weird. I wasn’t even sure if I should come to you about it, but you know what they say, better safe than sorry!”
The doctor says, “I’ve heard everything there is. Out with it, man, what seems to be the problem?”
The man says, “Well doc, here’s the thing. My shit doesn’t stink anymore.”
“Your shit doesn’t stink anymore?” the doctor repeats back as a question.
“Yes sir. I noticed it a month ago in late April. I was sitting down for my regular morning shit. Everything went well — firm, good size, came right out nice and smooth — and that’s when I noticed. No smell! Not a damn thing! I’ve just been wondering if something might be wrong,” the man explains.
The doctor furrows his brow. “That is indeed puzzling, sir. It says here you’re not married. And you live alone?”
“Just me and my dog,” the man replies.
The doctor scribbles two prescriptions and hands them to the man. “Take one of each, once a day for two weeks and come back to me.”
The man comes back two weeks later. Now he’s angry. His face is red as he grumpily explains, “Doc, I don’t know what you gave me, but ooh boy does my shit stink! I think you might have made things worse! I’m gagging in the bathroom! I can barely stand to be in the room with my own stink now! What in the hell did you give me?”
The doctor replies, “Nasal decongestant and antihistamine.”
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One Hell of an Outdoorsman
A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. “What do you mean?” asks the guy.
The doctor says, “Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?”
The guy says, “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk, about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor says, “Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!”
And the guy says, “Actually, I’m just a really shitty golfer.”
