Topic: death

Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.

  • The Potato in the Speedo

    A guy is having trouble getting women’s attention at the beach. He tells the lifeguard:

    “I’ve walked past every woman on this beach and none of them so much as glance my way. I’m even wearing my best Speedo to show off all the work I’ve put in at the gym. I don’t know what else to do.”

    The lifeguard says, “Oh, that’s easy! Just put a potato in your Speedo and you’ll have all their eyes glued on you. Trust me.”

    So the next day he does just that, and then goes to see the lifeguard:

    “Hey man, so I did get a lot of looks, but not quite what I was expecting. They all looked completely disgusted and appalled, and not turned on at all.”

    So the lifeguard looks down at his waist area:

    “Okay, well, I guess I should have specified — you have to put the potato in the front of your Speedo.”

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  • Day 1 at the Gym

    Day 1 at the Gym

    Day 1 at the gym just finished taking a shit let’s start the work out

  • Minty Fresh Brains

    I’ve made provisions in my will to be buried with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I should somehow become part of a zombie army roaming the earth, I may want something minty fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.

  • The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered

    15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.

    14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.

    13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.

    12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.

    11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.

    10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.

    9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.

    8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!

    7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.

    6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?

    5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.

    4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.

    3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.

    2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”

    1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.

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  • Prostate Exam

    Prostate Exam

    Dr: you need to stop masturbating

    Me: for how long?

    Dr: at least until I finish your prostate exam

    Me: fair enough

  • The Bloody Canoe

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are exploring the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. One day, a savage tribe of cannibals captures the trio and they’re brought before the chieftain.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Trespassing is punishable by death for white devils,” the chieftain says in passable English. “But your skin will make some fine canoes for us. However, you can all have one request fulfilled to the best of our ability to do so!”

    The Englishman nods, accepting his fate. “I don’t suppose you have a telephone out here so I can call home?”

    “Yes, we have taken many of these things from interlopers,” says the chieftain.

    Surprised, he dials his wife. “Hello my dear, I’m afraid I won’t be coming home. Terribly sorry. My love to the kids.”

    He closes his eyes, is killed, and they begin taking his skin and meat for meals.

    The Scotsman gulps. “I really could do with a drink — whiskey if you have any, so I won’t feel it.”

    The chieftain snaps his fingers and a tribesman brings out a crate of whiskey. The Scotsman immediately begins getting drunk, downing bottle after bottle until he falls asleep, and he too is killed. They make preparations to turn him into meals and a canoe with his skin.

    The Irishman says, “Umm… do you have a fork?”

    Puzzled, the chief commands a tribesman to give him a fork, and before anybody could react, the Irishman begins stabbing himself all over his body.

    “You’re not turning me into a bloody canoe, ye bastards!”

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  • Death by Unga Bunga

    Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.

    The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.

    The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”

    Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.

    The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    “Death,” the explorer replies.

    The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”

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  • The Sperm Count

    An old man goes to the urologist to talk about having another child.

    The doctor says, “Do you know your sperm count?”

    The old man replies, “I didn’t know they could do math!”

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  • Weekend Immune System

    I only seem to get sick on weekdays.

    I must have a weekend immune system.

  • 9 Out of 10 Doctors

    Remember: 9 out of 10 doctors recommend slamming your head repeatedly in a car door as a healthy alternative to watching presidential debates.