My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.
Topic: death
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
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Should Have Used a Diamond™
SHOULD HAVE USED A DIAMOND™
The new DIAMOND DM1855-E hydraulic nail gun. Now with extended seven year warranty.
DIAMOND POWER TOOLS
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I would appreciate it as a worm
In my will, I’ve stated that I want my coffin to be made of aluminum foil and my body to be dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would appreciate it if someone had thought of that.
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Don’t let Kevin Bacon die
Ever since Johnny Cash died, we’ve had no cash. Ever since Steve Jobs died, we’ve had no jobs. Please God, don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
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All the digging
What’s the worst thing about having sex in a cemetery?
All the digging.
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The Doctor Clears Her Sinuses
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past five minutes sitting here.”
The doctor gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week, the old lady comes back and says, “Doc, I took the pills. The farts are still silent, but now they stink!”
The doctor says, “Great! We’ve cleared your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing!”
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I stand corrected
I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back.
I stand corrected.
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Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.
Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”
St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”
