What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.
Topic: death
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
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Grateful Skin: A Love Story!
A man’s face is badly burned in a fire.
The doctors decide he needs a skin graft to restore his face, but he is so thin that he has no excess skin of his own for the operation. So they use skin from his wife’s bottom.
The operation is a complete success. His face looks like it did before the fire.
Several months go by, and the man is still thanking his wife profusely for the sacrifice she made.
Finally, she says to him, “You don’t have to keep thanking me. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
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Just a figure of speech
My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”
He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”
I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”
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Coma Care: The Power of a Sponge!
A woman is in the hospital in a coma, hooked up to all the monitors. One day, while the nurse was cleaning the wife, she noticed a blip of brain activity as she washed her nether region. The nurse scrambled to grab the doctor to show him.
The doctor ran the sponge over again: another blip. He was a little more vigorous, and a stronger series of blips appeared, but nothing brought back consciousness.
The doctor rushed out, called the husband, and told him to rush over to the hospital. When the husband arrived, the doctor let him know there was some brain activity and said it might be a weird request, but oral may bring his wife back.
The husband was flabbergasted, but after being reassured no one would interrupt, he went in and shut the blinds.
The doctors and nurses gathered around the nurses’ station when, suddenly, alarm bells started going off. The doctor and nurse ran in to help and saw the husband sitting beside her.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Husband: “I think she choked.”
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Well, that didn’t work
My wife and I were discussing our eventual deaths…
I said my worst fear was dying alone, and that I wanted the last thing I hear to be her telling me she loves me.
She gave me a big hug, said, “I love you,” and then waited.
After a couple of seconds, she shook her head and said, “Well, that didn’t work.”
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Back at work tomorrow
A morgue worker died today.
But he’ll be back at work tomorrow. -
Bench of Bizarre Disorders
A sadist, a masochist, a necrophile, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
“Let’s have sex with the cat,” says the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it,” says the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, and then have sex with it again,” says the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it,” says the pyromaniac.
There was a silence. Then the masochist said, “Meow.”
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Legendary Size: Mr. Rutledge’s Final Surprise!
Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.
While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked.
He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge’s penis that he called his assistant in.
“Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing’s gotta be the size of a baseball bat!” the assistant commented.
Later that night, the mortician commented to his wife, “I worked on the body of an old man today. I swear what he was packing was the size of a baseball bat!”
His wife’s eyes widened and she said, “Mr. Rutledge died?”
