My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied: “No.”
She responded: “How about now?”
Topic: marriage
Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.
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The Master Key and the Bad Lock
A woman said, “If I sleep with 3 men, I’m labeled EASY.
But when a man sleeps with 10 women everyone calls him a real man. How come?”
A Chinese man replied, “It’s very simple.
Confucius say, when one lock can be opened by three different keys, it’s a bad lock!
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!”
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The Blue Silk Pajamas and the Fishing Trip
A man called his wife and said, “Hey darling, great news! My boss invited me on a week-long fishing trip out of town. Big chance for a promotion! Can you pack me enough clothes for the week, set out my rod and tackle box, and… don’t forget my new blue silk pajamas!”
His wife felt something wasn’t quite right, but being a good wife, she did everything he asked.
A week later he came home — tired, sunburned, but smiling.
She asked, “So, how was it? Did you catch anything?”
He grinned, “Oh yes! Plenty of salmon, some bluegill… even a swordfish! But hey — why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”
She smiled sweetly and said, “Oh, I did. They were in your fishing box.”
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Crumpled Dollars and the Garage
A wife arrives home on her husband’s day off.
She asks, “Hey Hubby, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”
He says, “Erm… I dunno. Why?”
She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says, “I wonder what’s in there?”
Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.
Wife asks, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”
Husband says, “No I haven’t,” and starts to grin.
She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.
He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.
“Now,” she says, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”
“$50,000?! Where do I see that?” he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.
She says, “Go look in the garage.”
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What Would Tiger Do
A couple were on their honeymoon.
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
“I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she says.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”
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Confessions After the Ceremony
A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.
After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”
The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”
The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”
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You Were Starting to Sound Like My Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face.
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Tom replied, “I wasn’t.”
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Schedule My Husband for Next Week
A woman goes to the dentist and asks, “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?”
The dentist says, “$100.”
She replies, “That’s too much. Can’t you do it for less?”
The dentist says, “I can do it for $50 if I skip the anesthetic.”
“Still too much,” she says. “Any cheaper?”
The dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20, but she’s never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”
“Perfect,” the woman says. “Schedule my husband for next week.”
