Medical jokes, doctor-office awkwardness, hospital humor, and body-related disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
A man went to the doctor’s. The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like. The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs $30,000.00.”
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.
A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.
The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”
A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
