Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
Two-year-old little Johnnie was being bounced up and down on his grandad’s knee when he suddenly asked, “Gwandad, where do babies come fwom?”
Grandad was a bit shocked and thought a bit: he then said, “Why my boy, they come from the stork.”
After about two minutes little Johnnie said, “Gwandad… who fucks the stork?”
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
Child: The Tooth Fairy left me three dollars!
Me: When I was a kid the Tooth Fairy would leave us coins.
Child: Were they made of wood?
Me:
Child:
Me: The Tooth Fairy isn’t real.
5:36 AM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for iPad
CARL, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE MOVIE CONSTIPATION?
DAD…
I SAID, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT IT, CARL
SIGH….NO
IT NEVER CAME OUT, CARL
CARL, IT NEVER CAME OUT.
I HATE YOU DAD
You think your life is bad, Stevie Wonder paying 25K a month in child support, for some kids he ain’t NEVER SEEN..
…AND SO THE LITTLE RABBIT QUICKLY DUCKED INTO A BUSH TO HIDE FROM THE SCARY FARMER AND HIS DOGS.
HEY DAD… WILL THIS STORY HAVE A HAPPY ENDING?
WELL… IF YOU INSIST.
*PTOOEY*
Cyanide and Happiness © Explosm.net
Waiter: ‘I just wanted to let you know that kids eat for free.’
Me: ‘Good. I’ll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and a kids Bud Light.’
The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!
14. I say zip it — zip it good!
13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.
12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!
11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!
10. Just Say Whoa
9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!
8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!
7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!
6. Leave It Near Beaver
5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.
4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!
3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!
2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.
1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
14. Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie
13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”
12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”
9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”
8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”
6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”
3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?
1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”
11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”
10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.
9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.
8. Your ex *is* a convict.
7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”
6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.
5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”
4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”
3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”
2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.
1. Her license plate is autographed.
