Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.
“Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”
“Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”
“I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”
“You forgot pride,” the priest says.
“No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”
An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.
The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”
God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”
The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”
Two nuns were out driving one night when a vampire jumped onto the hood of their car.
The first nun yelled to the second “Sister, show him your cross!”
So the second nun leaned out the window and screamed “Hey! Get the fuck off our car!”
Two nuns were riding their bikes to church.
One of them says “I’ve never come this way before”.
The other replied “it’s the cobblestones.”
A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.
“What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”
“Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,
“I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”
“Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”
“So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest
“Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god
“so?”
“Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.
