Dialogue joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”
14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”
13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”
12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
“Me? I thought you were supposed to!”
11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”
10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”
9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”
8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”
7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”
6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”
5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”
4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”
3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”
2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”
1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White
A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.
A couple of drinkin’ buddies who are airplane mechanics are out at SFO and it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. And one of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel — that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do, and they get smashed and have a beautiful time, like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and just knows his head is going to explode when he gets up. He knows it. It doesn’t. He gets up, it feels good — in fact he feels great. NO hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy.
The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
And he says, “I feel great!”
And the buddy says, “I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?”
And he says, “No — that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover — we ought to do this more often.”
And he goes, “Yeah, we could. There’s just one thing…”
He says, “What’s that?”
And he says, “Did you fart yet?”
“What??”
“Did you fart yet??”
“No…”
And the buddy says, “Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
“Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”
Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”
A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”
Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”
Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”
Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”
Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”
