“Dear God, why is my blonde girlfriend so very beautiful?”
God answers, “My son, to make you love her.”
“But why is she also so very stupid?”
“My son, to make her love you back.”
Delivery Style: dialogue
Dialogue joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Top 16 Things Overheard During Saddam’s Trial
16. “Let the record show that the defendant has entered a plea of ‘not guilty by reason of oppressive tyranny.’”
15. “Seventeen consecutive life sentences? You can do that time standing on your head, big guy. No, really.”
14. “Mr. Hussein, could you please tell the court why this goat looks at you so fondly?”
13. “Call Rumsfeld. He’ll vouch for me.”
12. “Speaking of WMDs, either we need air conditioning in this courtroom or Saddam has to quit eating prison food.”
11. “Your Honor, Mr. Hussein would like to present evidence implicating the entire state of Florida as the true architect of recent evil.”
10. “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and that dog!”
9. “In Iraq, we understand that torture obtains information, murder instills fear and respect, and attempted genocide puts down rebellions — but Zabibah and the King? A completely inexcusable offense, you vile son of a dog!”
8. “We’ll drop the charges if you’d just please tell us where a WMD is — preferably right before the election.”
7. “Word is that his name around the cell block is Shirley.”
6. “Would jurors number 7 and 12 please put down the RPGs?”
5. “Well, yes, he does kind of look like Billy Joel, now that you mention it.”
4. “He was found living in a hole and has been in prison ever since, yet he still looks healthier than Cheney.”
3. “I would never order the deaths of my fellow citizens. However, we did respond in self-defense after an epidemic of people charged our firing squads, single file.”
2. “Your Honor, the soldiers who found Mr. Hussein would like to apologize to the court for not shooting him instead.”
And Topfive.com’s number one thing overheard during Saddam’s trial…
1. “Bail is set at ‘when monkeys fly out of my butt singing show tunes.’”
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One Change in Hell (German Engineering Edition)
An American, a Brit, and a German get sent to hell. Satan says, “You’re all here forever—but every 10 years, each of you gets one adjustment.”
The American gets dragged over razor-sharp, red-hot coals every day.
The Brit gets skinned by demons with pitchforks.
The German gets strapped into a machine that smashes him in the balls with a spiked hammer every 10 minutes.Ten years pass.
Satan asks the American, “Your one change?”
“Can I get smoother rocks?”Granted.
He asks the Brit, “Your one change?”
“Can the demons use plastic spoons instead?”Granted.
He asks the German, “Your one change?”
“Yes. The mechanism is malfunctioning. It now strikes every 11 minutes. Kindly repair it.” -
High-Stakes Humor: Plane Drop Laughs!
Trump and Elon Musk are on a plane.
Trump says to Elon Musk, “I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make one person happy—tremendous happiness, happiest ever!”
Elon replies, “I could drop 100 one-dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy!”
The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says, “I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!”
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Priorities: Lawyering vs. Giving Back
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… no.”
“—or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
“—or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
