I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
Delivery Style: observational
Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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How Aging Affects Belt Height
HOW AGING AFFECTS BELT HEIGHT…
YOUTH ADULT MIDDLE-AGE OLD AGE
Reynolds
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Engineer Humor
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. -
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being cooperative.When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very ill.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked. -
Five People Have Jobs Worse Than Yours
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The ten-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
Why am I telling you this? Just think — five people have jobs worse than yours!
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Wrong Plane
During the “rush hour” at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away.
Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement: “We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.”
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said. “Wrong plane.”
A true story.
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20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Stupid Things People Have Said Trying to Get Their Computers to Work
- “Can you fax me a disk?”
- “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
- “Can I buy the Internet?”
- “Oh, you mean I need a modem and a computer to access the Internet!”
- “I have a 464 with 8K.”
- “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
- “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
- “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
- “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
- “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
