Delivery Style: observational

Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bar Room Translations

    1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

    2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end… drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

    3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

    4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (female) (I’m easy.)

    5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male) (I’m gay.)

    6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

    7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

    8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

    9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) (I’m horny.)

    10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

    11. “Excuse me.” (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

    12. “Excuse me.” (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)

    13. “Excuse me.” (female to male) (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

    14. “Excuse me.” (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

    15. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)

    16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male) (I’m really gay.)

    17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female) (I’m really easy.)

    18. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)

    19. “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

    20. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) (I’m 19.)

    21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

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  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You fall off the floor…

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

    At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

    Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).

    Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    I’m as jober as a sudge.

    The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

    You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.

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  • More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

    You fall off the floor quite often.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.

    Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.

    You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.

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  • Alcohol Warnings

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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  • Holiday Drink Warning

    The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

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  • The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History

    16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.

    15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”

    13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.

    12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”

    11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.

    10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.

    9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.

    8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.

    7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?

    6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
    Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”

    5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.

    4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.

    3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”

    2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”

    1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

    Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You’re at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: PANIC!!

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  • What Her Drink Says About Her

    Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

    Drink: Beer
    Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
    Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

    Drink: Blender Drinks
    Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
    Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

    Drink: Mixed Drinks
    Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
    Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

    Drink: Wine (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
    Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
    Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years… Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

    Drink: White Zin
    Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
    Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…

    Drink: Shots
    Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk… and naked.
    Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

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  • Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Every person you see has an exact twin.

    You fall off the floor.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — to heck with dinner!

    The glass keeps missing your mouth.

    Bill Clinton starts to make sense….

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. (*No pun intended.)

    At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is … uh …”

    Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.

    “Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

    You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

    “BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

    The shrubbery’s drunk too — from frequent watering.

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