How do you get a man to do situps?
Glue the TV remote between his ankles…
What kind of clothes are there?
Women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes.)
Why do Black Widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs…
How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk…
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting they are finished until next time…
What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries, and clitorises?
They miss them all.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What’s the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those “Believe it or not?” shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep from grazing.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends!
Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs don’t you?
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
