Two things: 1) HDTV is not “Hard Dick TV.” 2) Costco doesn’t like it when you bring a vibrator to look at HDTVs.
Format: list
List comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I learned two things that weekend: 1) Despite the assurances and
I learned two things that weekend: 1) Despite the assurances and insistence of my scout master, the product is not named “KY-In-Tents”; 2) The experience is nothing like what they lead you to believe from those commercials.
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The best things about sleeping with women: their softness, their
The best things about sleeping with women: their softness, their warmth and their inability to poke me in the ass with a boner.
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The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered
15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.
14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.
13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.
12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.
11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.
10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.
9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.
8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!
7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.
6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?
5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.
4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.
3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.
2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”
1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.
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The Top 11 Celebrity Secret Santa Gifts
11. J.J. Abrams — money silos to store all the coin Disney will throw at him to direct a future “Star Wars” movie
10. Tom Brady — a pressure cooker
9. Tom Brady — Federal Reserve action to prevent deflation
8. Bernie Sanders — combo campaign/get off my lawn signs
7. North West — witnessing a horrible crime so Witness Protection can change her name and reassign her to a nice, suburban, middle-class family from the Kansas City area
6. Jim Gilmore — a mirror, so someone would see him
5. Renée Zellweger — her old face back
4. Ben Carson — a good campaign surgeon
3. Gwyneth Paltrow — a steam cleaner
2. Reince Priebus — balls
1. Miss Piggy — a dry rub
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4 Tips for Guys for Successful Relationships
1. It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
2. It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
3. It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
4. It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
