15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosFormat: list
List comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer
15. Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.
14. Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”
13. After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually is a sport.
12. Your belches come out potpourri-scented.
11. You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.
10. The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!”
9. The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.
8. Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.
7. When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.
6. After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”
5. Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!
4. The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.
3. “Who cares about the game? Will & Grace is on!”
2. There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.
1. Your man-boobs have started lactating.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White -
The Top 14 Names for Hip-Hop Drinks
14. Rum DMC
13. Cuervo Gold Tooth
12. MC Hammered
11. Harvey Gangbanger
10. Singapore Bling
9. 2-Pack Liqueur
8. Sloe Gin Fizzizzle Shanizzle
7. Gin and Chronic
6. Old Dirty Plastered
5. R. Kelly’s Sex on the Playground
4. Notorious V.S.O.P.
3. J.Lo Shots
2. Sex on the Beyotch
1. That Pink Sh*t with the Umbrella an’ Sh*t
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White -
Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I’m as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.
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More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem
You fall off the floor quite often.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.
Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.
You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.
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The Top 14 TopFive.com Happy Hour Rules
14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.
13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.
12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.
11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.
10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.
9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.
8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.
7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!
6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.
5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.
4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.3. Designated drivers drink free all night!
2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?
1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2001 by Chris White
