Format: narrative

Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Jesus Christ! Are You Here Again?

    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he’s all right.

    The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”

    The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

    The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!”

    They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

  • You Got Any Toilet Paper on Your Side?

    A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

    A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    “I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

  • Beat the Shit Out of a Ghost

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell happened?”

    Still staring down, the drunk replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”

  • Send ’Em Out One at a Time

    Rooney owned an Irish pub in the Bronx, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month when O’Malley, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. “I’m not giving you another free beer!” Rooney hollered as he noticed O’Malley.

    The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. “I been noticing these flies for the last few weeks. If you’ll give me a shot, I’ll kill every one of them for you.”

    Rooney gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, O’Malley got up and headed for the door.

    “All right,” he shouted, “Send ’em out — one at a time!”

  • Double-Billed the Insurance Company

    A seven-year-old girl tells her mom, “Little Johnny asked me to play doctor today.”

    “Oh, dear,” the mother says nervously. “What happened, honey?”

    And the little girl says, “Not much. He made me sit in a chair for forty-five minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

  • I Got in the Back Seat by Mistake

    A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

    However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

    “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

  • The Designated Decoy

    A group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin’ for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.

    Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stop sign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.

    Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the officer turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!

    The policeman administered the breathalyzer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. “I don’t understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?” exclaimed the cop. “What’s the story?”

    The man replied smugly, “My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy.”

  • Hickory Daiquiri, Doc

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

    The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

    “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

  • Charge by the Inch

    Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?”

    As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

    She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

  • Over Here on the Swing

    A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    “Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

    “Who was that?” asked his wife.

    “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

    “Did you help him?” she asks.

    “No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.

    “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

    The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

    “Yes,” comes back the answer.

    “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

    “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

    “Where are you?” asks the husband.

    “Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.