Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!
Format: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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But You Were 147 Votes Short
Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”
The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.
“If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”
“No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”
“Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.
“Who were these people?” Sam asked.
“The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”
“Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”
“Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.
“Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”
“Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”
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Ill Wait for the State Trooper
In the middle of the night, a retired Marine is driving from Dallas to Houston, while an Army paratrooper is heading from Houston to Dallas. There’s not another car on the highway when they crash head-on, sending both trucks spinning off in opposite directions. Metal crunches, airbags pop, and everything goes silent.
The Marine climbs out of his wrecked pickup, looks at the twisted steel, and shakes his head. “Man… I’m lucky to be alive,” he mutters, brushing himself off. He can’t believe he walked away without a scratch.
The paratrooper crawls out of his SUV and stares at the damage. “I don’t know how I survived that,” he says, looking up at the sky. Both men realize it could’ve been a whole lot worse.
The Marine walks over and says, “You know, maybe this is a sign. Instead of teasing each other about which branch is tougher, maybe we ought to call it even and be friends.”
The paratrooper thinks for a second, then nods. “You’re right. Life’s too short.”
The Marine says, “Let me see if anything else survived.” He checks the back of his truck and finds a full, unopened bottle of good Kentucky bourbon. Holding it up, he grins. “Seems like another sign we should toast to our new friendship.”
“Well, I won’t argue with that,” the paratrooper laughs. He takes the bottle and drinks nearly half of it in one go. Wiping his mouth, he hands it back. “Smooth stuff. Your turn!”
The Marine calmly screws the cap back on the bottle and tucks it under his arm. “Nah,” he says with a smile. “I think I’ll wait for the state trooper.”
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But I Like How Youre Thinking
Teacher is teaching her class and notices that Johnny isn’t paying attention.
So she calls on him: “Johnny, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny replies, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there would be two left, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Then Johnny turns the tables and asks the teacher: “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream—which one is married?”
The teacher, trying to be proper, says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny grins and says, “No, the one with the wedding ring… but I like how you’re thinking!”
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The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”
Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
“Aahhhhh!”
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.
“No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”
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The Worlds Smartest Man Just Jumped Out With My School Backpack
There are four people on an airplane: The pilot, the President of the United States, the world’s smartest man, and a student from a local school.
Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:
“I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a problem with the engine. We’re going down!”
Everyone prepares to evacuate, but there’s a problem. There are only three parachutes. One person will have to stay behind.
The President says, “I’m the President. My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps out.
The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the smartest man in the world. I must survive for the sake of my great inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area, puts it on his back, and jumps out.
Now only the pilot and the student remain, and there appears to be just one parachute left.
“Well,” says the pilot, “you take it. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.”
“Actually,” says the student, “there are two parachutes.”
The pilot looks confused. “How?”
“The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my school backpack.”
