Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A college student is walking on the beach when he finds a magic lamp with a genie inside.
So the college student says, “I want to be the richest man in the world.”
The genie snaps his fingers and responds, “Sure. You now have a billion dollars.”
The college student frowns and says, “That’s great and all, but I said the richest man in the world, not pay off my student debt.”
Three guys die in a car crash and are standing at heaven’s gates to get in.
The first guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Mercedes-Benz. Take them, drive through the gate, and have everlasting happiness.”
The second guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replies, “Two, maybe three times.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Honda Civic. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”
The third guy walks up to the gates. The angel says, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He says, “Oh God, I have no clue, I can’t remember.” The angel says, “Here are the keys to your Ford Pinto. Take them, drive through the gates, and have everlasting happiness.”
Later on, the second and the third guy come across the first guy who never cheated on his wife. And he’s sitting on the hood of his car crying. They said, “What’s wrong? You have a beautiful car, you’re in heaven, and you have everlasting happiness. Why are you crying?”
He replied, “I just saw my wife go by on a pair of rollerblades.”
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the window.
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
An older gentleman had his car stopped at a red light when a young rich asshole hit him with his Impala. Though the impact barely made a dent in either car, when both drivers went out to assess the damage, the asshole went ballistic.
“Look what you did to my Impala! It’s ruined! I’m gonna sue you! You owe me a new car.”
The older gentleman looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think I can afford to replace an Impala.”
“Then I’m gonna beat your ass right here!” the asshole retorted.
The older gentleman looked at the asshole. “I have a better idea. My son is visiting for the holidays, he’s in the passenger seat of my car. You two can fight it out, since I clearly would be no match for you in a physical fight. If you win, I’ll gladly pay for a new Impala, but if he wins, you knock off this nonsense.”
“What does your son do for a living?” the asshole asked.
“He trains dolphins.”
The asshole laughed. “Trains dolphins? Easy fight. OK, call your son here.”
The older gentleman called for his son. A minute later, a tall, extremely muscular young man in a Navy uniform steps out and proceeds to beat the asshole into pudding in ten seconds. The son then looks at his father and says:
“Pop, I keep telling you, I train SEALs, not dolphins.”
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
A DEA officer had a tip that a farmer was growing weed and showed up to inform the farmer that he would be searching the farm for illegal marijuana plants.
The farmer said: “I do not consent to a search without a warrant.”
At which point the DEA pulled out his badge and a signed warrant and said: “THIS gives me the authoritah to search wherever I want.”
So the farmer said: “Okay, but stay out of that field,” pointing to a fenced-in field.
The DEA says: “Then that is where I will start.”
The farmer just shrugged and went back to work.
A few minutes later the DEA agent was screaming and the farmer came to see the DEA agent running and diving, trying to avoid being gored by the farmer’s large bull. The DEA agent was yelling for help. The farmer shouted: “SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE AND WARRANT!!!”
Coming to the end of an initial assessment, the psychiatrist asks his new patient, “Okay, habits. Do you drink?”
The patient says, “No.”
“Smoke?”
“No.”
“Do drugs?”
“No.”
“Cheat on your wife?”
“Never.”
“Amazing,” says the shrink. “Any bad habits at all?”
And the patient says, “Lying.”
When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could no longer see me.
It’s cause I became transparent.
