I often wonder if I would be in my current profession if I hadn’t developed my delicate hand-eye skills as a child playing “Operation.” Probably not, since the boss would have fired me long ago for ruining all those keyboards because of stray peanut bits falling off of my Salted Nut Roll.
Format: written
Written comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Mr. Insurance Duck
I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!
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Diet Scam Charges a Dollar Per Pound
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Blind Date’s Unusual Amusement Park Obsession
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna get weighed,” she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna get weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
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Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:
Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. -
Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
