10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosFormat: written
Written comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Application for Employment
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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Technical Experiences
Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for twenty minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”
Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After forty minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
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The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink
16. The pants you just wet are not your own.
15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”
14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”
13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.
12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.
11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.
10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.
9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.
8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.
7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.
6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.
5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.
4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.
3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.
2. You squish when you blink.
1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White -
Intellectual Reasons for Drinking Alcohol
Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make Things Up
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact YOU are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.
DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.”
Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
(Note: Always make up exact figures.) If an opponent asks where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?”
Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bathhouse.”
Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases
Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-à-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as q.e.d., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for “I speak Latin and you do not.”
Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.
The best are:
- You’re begging the question
- You’re being defensive
- Don’t compare apples and oranges
- What are your parameters?
(This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.)
Here’s how to use your comebacks:
You say: Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You’re being defensive.
Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring up Hitler subtly.
Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Hitler.”
Now you know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
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Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I’m as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.
