Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Insurance Money and the Granite Countertops

    We now have the technology to build a new penis…

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    Doctor Cohen comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

    The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

    The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

    Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

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  • Billy Ray and the Bottom Deodorant

    Billy Ray walks into Walgreens and asks the pharmacist for some “Bottom deodorant” for his bottom.

    “Sorry, we don’t sell bottom deodorant,” the pharmacist replies, trying to keep from laughing.

    “Yeah but I always buy it here,” Billy Ray says. “I bought one last month. My wife gets hers from here too!”

    Curious, the pharmacist suggests, “Look, I don’t know what y’all bought before, but maybe you can bring in the empty one of what y’all had next time you come in.”

    “Sure thing,” Billy Ray says. “I’ll bring it in tomorrow.”

    The next day, Billy Ray walks into Walgreens again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick.

    “This is just a normal deodorant,” the man tells Billy Ray. “To use under your arms.”

    “Oh no it is not,” Billy Ray answers. “Look here where it says: TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

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  • The Farmer’s New Cock

    A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.

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    The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”

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  • Putin’s Driver and the Pig

    Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

    Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.

    “What happened to you?” asked Putin.

    “Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”

    “My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.

    The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

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  • Kicked Out Of Community Theater For Limp

    Kicked Out Of Community Theater For Limp

  • The Preacher and Mrs O’Malley

    “Mrs O’Malley, good morning,” greeted the preacher.

    “Good morning, Pastor,” she replied.

    “Last week, your husband walked out during the sermon. I hope nothing too serious is the matter?”

    “Nothing too serious, just that he has a tendency for sleepwalking.”

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  • Bring Your Child to Work Day

    I took my eight-year-old girl to the office with me on Bring Your Child to Work Day.

    As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked her what was wrong.

    As my colleagues gathered round, she sobbed: “But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

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  • The Four Seniors and the Christmas Golf Game

    Four seniors were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, go directly to the golf course, and play eighteen holes together.

    The others chimed in and said, “Let’s do this! We’ll make it a priority — and each of us must figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning!”

    Several months later, it’s Christmas morning, and each man is at the golf course as promised, ready to play golf just as they’d discussed.

    The first guy says, “Boy, this round has cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife a diamond ring that she really wanted.”

    The second guy remarks, “I spent a ton of money too. My wife is at home with travel brochures all over the place, planning a cruise I had to give her.”

    The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring the new car I agreed to buy for her.”

    They all turned to the fourth guy, who was staring at them and shaking his head as if they’d all lost their minds.

    He said, “I can’t believe you guys spent so much. Let me tell you what I did. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Merry Christmas, babe! It looks like a great morning, so it’s either gonna be the golf course or intercourse?’”

    And she said, “You’ll need a sweater, and don’t forget your hat!”

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  • The Cabbie and the Preacher at the Pearly Gates

    A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked.

    “But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • The Slow Foursome on the Golf Course

    A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.

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    After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:

    “What is wrong with these guys?! They’re terrible!”

    The caddy nearby says,

    “Oh, you didn’t hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.”

    The priest bows his head and says,

    “That’s so tragic… I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”

    The doctor says,

    “I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.”

    The golfer pauses, then says…

    “Why can’t they just play at night?”

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