Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Detective Exam

    A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.

    To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.

    “This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”

    The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”

    The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”

    Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”

    The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”

    Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”

    Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”

    The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.

    “That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”

    A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile. “Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”

    “Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

  • If I Have to Roll My Own So Does She

    A man walks into a pharmacy and spends several minutes wandering up and down the aisles. Eventually, a clerk asks if he needs any help.

    “I’m looking for a box of tampons for my wife,” he says.

    The clerk points him to the right aisle.

    A few minutes later, the man returns carrying a giant bag of cotton balls and a spool of string, then sets them on the counter.

    The clerk looks puzzled. “Sir, I don’t mean to be nosy, and feel free not to answer, but I thought you were buying tampons for your wife.”

    “You see,” the man says, “yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes. She came home with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers because, according to her, ‘It’s soooo much cheaper.’

    “So if I have to roll my own, so does she.”

  • Where Is That Monkey

    A lost dog wanders into a jungle. A lion spots him from a distance and thinks to himself, “That thing looks edible. I’ve never seen one of those before.”

    The lion starts charging toward the dog. The dog notices and begins to panic, but just as he’s about to run, he spots a pile of bones nearby.

    An idea hits him.

    He looks at the bones and says loudly, “Mmm… that was some good lion meat.”

    The lion abruptly stops. “Whoa,” he thinks. “This guy’s tougher than he looks. I’d better get out of here.”

    Watching from a nearby tree, a monkey has seen the whole thing. He realizes he can profit from the situation by telling the lion what really happened.

    The monkey catches up to the lion and tells him the truth.

    Furious, the lion growls, “Get on my back. We’ll go get him together.”

    The lion tears back through the jungle with the monkey riding on his back.

    The dog sees them coming and panics even more. Then he gets another idea.

    He looks around and yells, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”

  • No Fuckin Chocolate

    A customer walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a pint of chocolate ice cream.

    The person behind the counter says, “I am sorry but we are out of chocolate ice cream, may I get you a different flavor?”

    The customer thinks for a moment and asks for a quart of chocolate ice cream.

    The person behind the counter says, “I am sorry but we are out of chocolate ice cream, we have no chocolate ice cream. Is there a different flavor that I can offer you?”

    The customer thinks for a moment and asks for a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.

    The worker’s jaw drops and they reflect on this for a moment, then ask the customer, “Can you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”

    “What?” exclaims the customer. “What does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla.”

    Skeptically the customer says, “Um, okay… V-A-N. But what does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry.”

    “What?” exclaims the customer. “What does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘straw’ in strawberry.”

    Skeptically the customer says, “Um, okay… S-T-R-A-W. But what does that have to do—” The worker interrupts, “This will make sense in a moment if you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

    The customer thinks for a moment and exclaims, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate!”

    The worker replies, “Correct! That is what I have been trying to tell you — there is no fuckin’ chocolate.”

  • Where Should I Put My Pants

    During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants?”

    “Over there by mine.” was not the answer I expected.

  • The Gym Teacher’s Demonstration

    A principal is in a health class telling them it will be sex education week and gym teacher Mr. Wilson will be teaching.

    The principal exits the classroom, then comes in walking Mr. Wilson with a banana in hand.

    “Class, today I will be teaching you all how to properly put on a condom.”

    The kids look at him and the banana.

    Mr. Wilson tells them, “You’re probably wondering why I have a banana. Well, because it’s hard for me to get an erection on an empty stomach.”

  • Can You Tell the Time

    A drunk man comes home late. His wife sees him and angrily exclaims, “Are you drunk again?!”

    The man shakes his head and answers, “No, I am not drunk!”

    “Okay, then prove it. There’s a clock over there. Can you tell the time?”

    “Of course I can!” says the man.

    He turns toward the clock and screams, “Hey! I am not drunk!”

  • I Can Tell by the Voice

    A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.

    “Nothing,” mumbles the guy.

    “Listen to me, you liar!” she shouts. “It’s either me or the goddamn bar. Which is it?”

    And the guy says, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

  • Ana o Machigaeta

    A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.

    The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…

    That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”

    The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”

    The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”

  • Childhood Punishments, Adult Goals

    All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
    Eating vegetables, staying home, taking a nap, going to bed early.