Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Last Body of the Day

    A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.

    He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”

    He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.

    She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”

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  • The Horse, the Pig, and the Chicken

    A horse, a pig, and a chicken were friends.

    One day they were playing on the farm when the horse suddenly fell into a deep ditch. The pig and the chicken panicked and started crying for help. The horse called out to them from the ditch and said, “Run to the shed where the farmer keeps his tractor. Get a rope, tie one end to the tractor and throw the other end to me. Then have the farmhand drive the tractor and pull me up.”

    The chicken and the pig did exactly that but weren’t sure if the tractor would work. But it was a powerful Mercedes tractor and in no time the horse was rescued from the ditch.

    A few days later the three of them were playing on the farm again when the chicken fell into the same ditch. The pig panicked and told the horse, “Come on, let’s get the tractor and the rope, quick!”

    The horse calmly said, “Wait, leave this to me.” He went over to the ditch, slowly lowered his dick and asked the chicken to grab on to it. As the terrified chicken grabbed his dick the horse carefully pulled her up.

    “Wow, that was amazing,” said the pig. “How did you even think of that?”

    “Well,” the horse replied, “when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”

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  • A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis

    A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look, and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.

    The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

    The man says, “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office, so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV, then get ready for bed.”

    The doctor asks, “Do you do anything before bed?”

    The man says, “Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos.”

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  • Ordering Coffee

    So a guy with a stutter is very self-conscious about it, and decides he’ll practice and practice so he can order a coffee without stuttering. “C-c-coffee, p-p-lease!” he keeps repeating. “C-coffee, p-please.”

    After a couple weeks of practice he nails the phrase, goes to the café, and, wearing his best suit and a smug expression, he says to the barista, “I’ll have a coffee, please!”

    The barista nods and says, “Cream, sugar, or black?”

    And the guy says, “F-F-FUCK YOU!!”

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  • An Old Pal in Manhattan

    I was walking in Manhattan when I bumped into an old high school pal whom I hadn’t seen in twenty years. He was eager to show me photos of his new wife.

    “Here, check out my wife,” he said as he scrolled through a few photos on his phone. “Isn’t she hot?!”

    I replied, “If you think your wife is hot, you should see my wife.”

    “Is she hot too?”

    “Well yes, but she’s also an eye doctor!”

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  • The Inspector at the Asylum

    The director of a mental asylum is showing an inspector around. They come to a room with a single patient sitting on a bed and laughing.

    “Why is he laughing?” asks the inspector.

    “Oh, that’s Carl,” says the director. “He tells jokes to himself.”

    “Hmmm,” says the inspector. “He just stopped laughing. Why is that?”

    And the director says, “That’s because he’s already heard that one.”

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  • Ted Meets the Missus

    Ted asks his colleague, “So Larry, when are you gonna have me over to meet the missus?”

    “Well,” says Larry, “she’s very shy, and doesn’t love socializing.”

    “Ah come on Larry, it’ll be a quiet evening with just us three.”

    “Hmm, OK let me talk to her.”

    A few days later, Larry says, “OK I talked her into it, but you have to remember how hard this is for her. Promise me you won’t say anything that might upset her.”

    Ted says sure, of course, so they agree on dinner Friday at seven.

    Friday rolls around, and Larry meets Ted at his front door.

    “Welcome, Ted! Come on in, and just remember: we’re making a real effort here, so let’s have a nice quiet calm evening.”

    Ted agrees and walks through to the living room, where he stops dead in his tracks and shouts, “OH MY GOD LARRY YOUR WIFE IS A FUCKING TURTLE”

    Larry says, “Ted, look what you’ve done! Do you have any idea what it took to get her out of her shell?”

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  • Two Brothers in the Kitchen

    Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide they are old enough to start trying some bad words. They head downstairs to their mum waiting in the kitchen.

    The oldest says to her, “Hey bitch, get me some Cheerios.” Before he could blink, his mother slaps him across the head and shouts, “What did you say to me?! Go to your room right now and don’t come out!”

    She puts on her best mum smile and turns to the youngest. “Now… What would you like for breakfast this morning?”

    “I dunno, but it sure as fuck ain’t Cheerios!”

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  • Matt Buys a Centipede

    This guy, Matt, was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion Matt bought a centipede, who came complete with a cute little box to use as his house.

    Matt decided the best way to welcome his pet centipede into his life would be to take him to the local watering hole for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me to have a beer?”

    There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Matt a bit. He waited a few minutes and then asked the centipede again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”

    Again, there was no answer from his new pet centipede, so he waited a few minutes more, stewing about the situation. He asked one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”

    This time, a little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my fucking shoes!”

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  • Rover and Fifi

    Little Johnnie had a mutt named Rover. The next-door neighbor, little Susie, had a purebred poodle named Fifi. Fifi came in heat and Rover was able to get to her. Little Susie found them and couldn’t get them apart, so she called Johnnie crying about his mangy mutt ruining her prized poodle.

    Little Johnnie came over, walked around the dogs, stuck his finger in his mouth, then stuck his finger up Rover’s backside. The dogs instantly separated and Rover ran away howling.

    Susie said, “How did you know that would work?”

    Johnnie replied, “Well, old Rover likes to dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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