Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • A Free and Independent Nation

    An American man gets married to a British woman…

    Before the big night, his father tells him:

    “Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

    Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.

    And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”

    Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

    Father: “Good!”

    Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

    Father: “Yeah!”

    Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”

    Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”

    Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”

    Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

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  • The Chicken Was Delicious

    Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.

    When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.

    Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.

    The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”

    The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”

    The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”

    The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”

    A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.

    To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”

    To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”

    To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”

    And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

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  • Already Working on a Murder Case

    A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.

    The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.

    “First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”

    She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”

    “Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”

    “Erm… Yellow, I think?”

    “Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”

    She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

    The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”

    That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.

    She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”

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  • Nothing Good to Eat Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

    A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…

    She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.

    The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.

    As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

    She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

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  • No Honey, No Butter

    One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.

    His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”

    A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.

    “Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”

    That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.

    She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.

    Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”

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  • Everything’s Bigger in Texas

    A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.

    When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.

    “Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.

    The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

    Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.

    He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.

    The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.

    The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”

    The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”

    After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.

    The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”

    The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.

    Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.

    He falls in with a big splash.

    A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:

    “DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”

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  • Hung Like a Horse

    This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.

    A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.

    The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.

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  • The Last Thing You Want to Hear

    When I was getting my physical, at one point the doctor told me I’d feel a small prick.

    Definitely the last thing you want to hear before a prostate exam.

  • Boat for Sale

    An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband died.

    She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.

    She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say.

    The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”

    The reporter looks at her and says, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want.”

    So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”

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  • Theyre Looking for Us With Lanterns

    Jack and John went camping. After setting up their tent and relaxing for a while, it got dark and suddenly they were surrounded by mosquitoes. So they quickly got inside the tent and hid under the blanket.

    After some time, Jack decided to peek outside. He lifted the blanket and slightly opened the tent door, only to see a bunch of fireflies glowing outside.

    He immediately jumped back under the blanket and whispered to John:

    “Don’t go out… they’re looking for us with lanterns.”

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