Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Still Under the Cart

    While golfing, a guy accidentally overturns his golf cart in a tremendous crash.

    A very attractive female golfer, who lives in a townhome overlooking the golf course, hears the crash and calls out, “Are you okay?”

    “I’m okay, thanks,” says the guy, as he pulls himself from the twisted golf cart wreck.

    She says, “Come up to my home, you can recover for a bit, and I’ll help you with the golf cart later.”

    Even being a bit dizzy, the guy couldn’t help but notice that her bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be an amazing figure.

    “That’s mighty nice of you,” he answers, “but I really don’t think my wife would approve.”

    “Oh, come on now,” she insists.

    She was so pretty, so very persuasive, and the guy was so relatively dazed!

    “Well okay, but I’m quite sure my wife won’t be happy with me.”

    After a couple of gin and tonics, he thanks her and says, “I feel a lot better, and I know that my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d best leave now.”

    “Don’t be silly!” she said with a coquettish smile, letting her robe fall even slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know a thing, we can have another drink.” Then she asks, by the way, “Where is she, anyway?”

    The guy replies, “Probably still under the cart, if I were to bet.”

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  • Infrequently

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of the physical side of their relationship.

    “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

    “I would like it infrequently,” she replied.

    The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered — “Is that one word, or two?”

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  • Just Walk

    A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.

    The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.

    “Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”

    “Just walk,” the old man said flatly.

    “Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”

    “Just walk,” the old man repeated.

    “Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.

    Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:

    “It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”

    The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”

    “Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”

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  • Praise the Lord

    Frank walked into “Miller’s Ranch” out in rural Arizona, looking to buy himself a good, dependable horse.

    Old Mr. Miller said, “I’ve got the perfect one for you, but he was trained a little different — to make him go, you shout ‘Praise the Lord!’ and to make him stop, you yell ‘Hallelujah!’”

    Frank chuckled and said, “Well, I’ve been married 40 years — I can remember two words. Let’s take him for a spin.”

    Frank was grinning ear to ear, flying down the dusty trail, wind in his hair, feeling 25 again.

    Then he noticed they were heading straight toward a steep canyon.

    “Whoa!” he hollered — but the horse just kept running.

    “Stop!” he yelled — still nothing.

    Panicking, he tried every word he could think of, but that canyon was getting closer by the second.

    Just a few feet from the edge, it hit him.

    “Hallelujah!” Frank screamed.

    The horse slid to a perfect stop inches from the drop-off.

    Frank wiped his brow, looked up at the sky, put his hand over his heart, and said softly…

    “Praise the Lord.”

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  • One More Time

    A doctor tells his patient, “I have terrible news. You have a rare incurable condition and will be dead by morning.”

    The man goes home and tells his wife — it’s tragic, but there’s nothing to be done.

    They go to bed… he’s reflecting on his life… and looks at his wife, and thinks… one more time. He wakes her up… and they make love.

    She goes back to sleep, but he can’t sleep… and he looks at her again… and thinks… I gotta have it. He wakes her up, and they have sex.

    She goes back to sleep again. The hours pass. The sun will soon be up. He thinks, better to die happy… and he nudges his wife again… “How about it?”

    She looks at him angrily and says, “LOOK. I have to get up in the morning… YOU don’t!”

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  • Lost My Virginity To Or My Ex Girlfriend

    Lost My Virginity To Or My Ex Girlfriend

  • The Mercedes Sight

    An old guy from the countryside visits New York for the first time. He’s never seen so many cars, and he’s never been in one.

    He gets into a cab and starts asking the driver questions.

    “What’s that wheel for?”

    “That’s the steering wheel,” the driver says. “It lets me change direction.” He gives a quick demonstration, turning down a side street.

    “What about that button?”

    “That’s the horn. I use it to warn people.” He honks twice.

    “And what’s that?” the old man asks, pointing at the Mercedes emblem on the hood.

    “That’s a sight,” says the driver, deciding to have some fun. “It helps me aim at the people I want to run over.”

    With that, he lines up a pedestrian crossing the street, speeds up, then swerves at the last second.

    Suddenly… Bang! A loud crash comes from the side of the car.

    “Well,” says the old man, “you’ve got all these fancy gadgets, but you would’ve missed him if I hadn’t opened the door.”

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  • A Very Delicate Heart

    A retired fellow hadn’t been feeling quite right, so he went to see his doctor.

    After the exam, the doctor quietly asked his wife to step into the hallway.

    “I’m afraid your husband has a very delicate heart,” he said. “If you want him around a while longer, you’ll need to treat him like royalty — wait on him hand and foot, no stress, no chores, no lifting a finger.”

    On the drive home, the husband looked over nervously and asked, “So… what did the doc say?”

    His wife sighed and said, “He said you’re probably not going to make it.”

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  • Two Shots for Two Brothers

    An Irishman walks into a bar and orders two shots of whiskey.

    He downs both by himself and leaves.

    The next day, he comes back. Orders two shots. Drinks both. Leaves again.

    And that becomes routine.

    Every single day the guy would show up, order exactly two shots, down them in silence, and vanish like a secondary character in a film noir.

    Until one day the bartender can’t take the curiosity anymore.

    “My friend… why do you always order two shots?”

    The Irishman sighs, staring at the glass like someone who’s already cried listening to sad music in a pub at three in the morning.

    “My brother and I used to drink together every night. But he moved to the other side of the country. So I take one shot for me… and another for him…”

    The bartender nearly gets emotional. Thought it was beautiful. Brotherly stuff. Family ties watered with alcohol and emotional cirrhosis.

    Time passes.

    Until one night the Irishman walks in and orders just one shot.

    The bartender gets worried right away.

    “My God… did something happen to your brother????”

    The Irishman replies, “No, no. He’s doing great.”

    The bartender relaxes. “So why just one shot today?”

    The Irishman takes a calm sip and replies, “Because I quit drinking.”

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  • Keeping Em Awake

    During church yesterday, the pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, “You just keep preaching, Dad! I’ll keep ’em awake!”

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