Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Who Fucks the Stork

    Two-year-old little Johnnie was being bounced up and down on his grandad’s knee when he suddenly asked, “Gwandad, where do babies come fwom?”

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    Grandad was a bit shocked and thought a bit: he then said, “Why my boy, they come from the stork.”

    After about two minutes little Johnnie said, “Gwandad… who fucks the stork?”

  • What Sound Does a Pig Make

    A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. “Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

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    Mary put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

    “Very good” replied the teacher, “what sound do sheep make?”

    “Maaaa” answered Johnny.

    She continued this for a while. Then she asked “What sound does a pig make?”

    All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed “Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!”

  • Insured Cigars and 24 Counts of Arson

    A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against… get this… fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

    In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.

    In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

    Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson.

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

  • I Feel Like a Baby

    Tim, Joe and Steve, life long friends, were down at the local tavern having a beer celebrating Steve’s 80th birthday.

    Steve grabbed his shoulder and said, “You know, I’m 80 and I can feel the aches and pains of my age.”

    Tim agreed, saying he can tell rain is coming by the aches in his knees.

    Joe shook his head. “Guys,” he said. “I feel like a baby.”

    Tim and Steve looked at each other, puzzled.

    Joey took a sip of beer and smiled. “I got no hair, no teeth and I pee my pants a lot!”

  • Family Racist

    Family Racist

    SADLY LEARNED MY FAMILY WAS RACIST. I DATED A BLACK GIRL AND BROUGHT HER HOME TO MEET THE THEM.

    MY WIFE AND KIDS WOULDN’T EVEN TALK TO HER.

  • Where the Hell Is That Monkey

    A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before…”

    So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

    The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can.”

    Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.”

    So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

  • Ive Never Seen a Smaller Dick in My Life

    A man goes to a urologist.

    Urologist: “Sir, please take off your pants and underpants”.

    The man does so.

    Urologist: “I’m warning you, this is going to hurt”.

    The man says that he’s ready.

    Urologist, laughing: “I’ve never seen a smaller dick in my life!”

  • Boomerang Constant Fear

    Boomerang Constant Fear

    I threw a boomerang like 6 years ago and it never came back. Now I live in constant fear.

  • Walter Summerford Lightning

    Walter Summerford Lightning

    A man named Walter Summerford was struck by lightening 3 times in his life. After his death, his gravestone was also struck.

    Jesus Christ!

    FUCK THAT GUY

  • Coronavirus Squirrel Ass

    Coronavirus Squirrel Ass

    Coronavirus panic day 3: I was forced to catch a squirrel today, not for food, I just used it to wipe my ass… It was not happy