Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Dead Cat’s Legs Point Toward Heaven Joke

    Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.

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    “So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

    At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.

    Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.

    Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”

    “Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

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  • Little Red Riding Hood’s Unexpected Defense

    Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: ‘You’d better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

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    But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.’

    So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, ‘You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

    So she pulled out the shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!’

    As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: ‘You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do. I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

    So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, ‘No. You’re going to eat me like the book says.’

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  • Dick’s Burnout: Thirty Times Left

    A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

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    The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

    He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

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  • Woman Asks Doctor to Change Vibrator Batteries

    A woman gets her vibrator stuck inside her. She goes to the doctor to remove it and the Dr. says “it’s too far up there, I can’t reach it enough to pull it out”.

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    The woman then replies “if you can’t get it out, can you at least reach it well enough to change the batteries?”

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  • Native American Escort Outprices Historical Real Estate Deal

    A guy visiting Arizona wants to get some.

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    He finds a pretty escort of Native American origin.

    **Girl**: My fee is three hundred dollars.

    **Guy**: Whaaaat? Your forefathers only wanted twenty-four bucks for the whole of Manhattan Island!

    **Girl**: True enough… but Manhattan Island just lies there.

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  • A Huge Penis

    My girlfriend ran away screaming when she saw I had a huge penis.

    Now the police are involved asking weird questions like “Who does it belong to?” and “Where is the rest of him?”

  • She Missed the Point Entirely

    A young lady goes to her professor and says “Sir, I know I’m failing this course, but I really need to pass it, and I’m prepared to do anything to see that I do!”

    The professor says, “So, would you-”

    “Yes!”

    “-be prepared to-”

    “YES!!”

    “…study?”

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  • You Already Own Her Home

    As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, “I want her home before midnight.” The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied….

    “But you already own her home!”

  • Blonde’s Risky Bridge Bet Backfires Hilariously

    A blonde was at the bar watching the 6:00 news when a guy was about to jump off a bridge. A guy saw her and said I’ll bet you $100 he jumps. She takes the bet. He jumps and the guy said I can’t take your money I saw it on the 5:00 news.

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    She hands him the $100 and says so did I, but I didn’t think he was going to do it again!

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