Me and the boys: *putting up random hand gang signs in class*
The deaf kid wondering why we’re planning an orgy with the class pet:
Joke Type: dark humor
Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Prostate Exam
Dr: you need to stop masturbating
Me: for how long?
Dr: at least until I finish your prostate exam
Me: fair enough
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Pooh Pulled Pork Sandwich
As much as Pooh missed Piglet, he really did enjoy that pulled pork sandwich.
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The Bloody Canoe
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are exploring the deepest part of the Amazon jungle. One day, a savage tribe of cannibals captures the trio and they’re brought before the chieftain.
“Trespassing is punishable by death for white devils,” the chieftain says in passable English. “But your skin will make some fine canoes for us. However, you can all have one request fulfilled to the best of our ability to do so!”
The Englishman nods, accepting his fate. “I don’t suppose you have a telephone out here so I can call home?”
“Yes, we have taken many of these things from interlopers,” says the chieftain.
Surprised, he dials his wife. “Hello my dear, I’m afraid I won’t be coming home. Terribly sorry. My love to the kids.”
He closes his eyes, is killed, and they begin taking his skin and meat for meals.
The Scotsman gulps. “I really could do with a drink — whiskey if you have any, so I won’t feel it.”
The chieftain snaps his fingers and a tribesman brings out a crate of whiskey. The Scotsman immediately begins getting drunk, downing bottle after bottle until he falls asleep, and he too is killed. They make preparations to turn him into meals and a canoe with his skin.
The Irishman says, “Umm… do you have a fork?”
Puzzled, the chief commands a tribesman to give him a fork, and before anybody could react, the Irishman begins stabbing himself all over his body.
“You’re not turning me into a bloody canoe, ye bastards!”
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Death by Unga Bunga
Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.
“You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.
The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.
The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.
The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”
Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.
The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.
“Death,” the explorer replies.
The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”
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I Just Got That Puppy
When your dad shows you how to properly kill and skin an animal.
I just got that puppy…
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Best Costume
A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.
Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.
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The Top 14 October Surprises
14. A final, no-holds-barred presidential debate is hastily scheduled by the producers of “American Gladiators.”
13. Supreme Court opens their new session by replacing “yea” or “nay” with “left” or “right.”
12. Donald Trump provides incontrovertible proof that he’s not a Russian spy by revealing that he’s a Chinese spy.
11. Bill already advertising for interns on Craigslist.
10. The pumpkin spice craze is a secret chemical warfare plot concocted by Donald Trump to turn the entire world orange.
9. Ronald Reagan rises from the dead, just to show that he can.
8. Hillary’s server full of e-mails advocating “grabbing Bernie by the droopy balls.”
7. Oddly enough, Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction has had a Hillary figure ready to go since 1996.
6. Hearing a 9-year-old tell a 7-year-old his costume is culturally insensitive.
5. The press rebrands the Affordable Care Act as the Holy-Cow-Talk-About-Sticker-Shock Care Act.
4. Scientists discover that Trump’s hair is a living creature that controls the empty puppet underneath.
3. Anthony Weiner: the dick that keeps on giving.
2. E-mail discovered on Anthony Weiner’s computer reveals that his birth name was Anthony Vajayjay.
1. Not a soul has come from the future to put a stop to this madness.
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Turning Point USA Irony
Turning Point USA was founded in 2012 by Charlie Kirk and Bill Montgomery.
Two of their major policy pushes were a more prominent gun culture and zero COVID restrictions.
Bill Montgomery died to the COVID virus.
Charlie Kirk died to gun violence.
