Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Bench of Bizarre Disorders

    A sadist, a masochist, a necrophile, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

    “Let’s have sex with the cat,” says the zoophile.

    “Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

    “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it,” says the murderer.

    “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, and then have sex with it again,” says the necrophile.

    “Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it,” says the pyromaniac.

    There was a silence. Then the masochist said, “Meow.”

  • An arm and a leg

    If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks.
    It can cost you an arm and a leg.

  • It was a good trade

    I got a refrigerator for my wife today.
    It was a good trade.

  • Priests’ Misunderstanding Hits a Dark Note

    A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

    The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

    “We’ll do it.”

  • Kids Say the Darndest Goodbyes!

    Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

    She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma, and… goodbye Grandpa.”

    He asks her, “Why did you say that?”

    “I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”

    The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks Dad, that’s an odd coincidence.

    A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, “God bless Mommy and Daddy. And goodbye Grandma.”

    Sure enough, the next day Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

    Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he isn’t sure what to do. He doesn’t want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).

    Months go by, and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime.
    “God bless Mommy…” she turns her head and looks straight at him, “…and goodbye Daddy.”

    “What?! Are you sure, honey?”

    She nods.

    The man’s heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can’t sleep at all that night.

    The next day, he goes off to work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.

    He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death.

    He drives home, drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

    His wife is up and waiting for him.

    “Where the hell were you today?!”
    He replies, “Don’t shout, I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.”

    His wife then says, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…”

  • Punchline Abort: A Comedy’s Moral Dilemma

    I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

  • Hold the Ladder: Last Words of Wisdom

    I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me before he died:
    “Are you still holding the ladder?”

  • Grief Lessons: Good Counsel, No Tears

    My grief councillor died last week.

    Luckily for me, though, he was very good at his job, because I really don’t give a shit.