Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • One Change in Hell (German Engineering Edition)

    An American, a Brit, and a German get sent to hell. Satan says, “You’re all here forever—but every 10 years, each of you gets one adjustment.”

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    The American gets dragged over razor-sharp, red-hot coals every day.
    The Brit gets skinned by demons with pitchforks.
    The German gets strapped into a machine that smashes him in the balls with a spiked hammer every 10 minutes.

    Ten years pass.

    Satan asks the American, “Your one change?”
    “Can I get smoother rocks?”

    Granted.

    He asks the Brit, “Your one change?”
    “Can the demons use plastic spoons instead?”

    Granted.

    He asks the German, “Your one change?”
    “Yes. The mechanism is malfunctioning. It now strikes every 11 minutes. Kindly repair it.”

  • High-Stakes Humor: Plane Drop Laughs!

    Trump and Elon Musk are on a plane.

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    Trump says to Elon Musk, “I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make one person happy—tremendous happiness, happiest ever!”

    Elon replies, “I could drop 100 one-dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy!”

    The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says, “I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!”

  • Furry Trouble in the Forest!

    A bear and a bunny rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods. The bear asked the bunny if it had problems with poop sticking to its fur.

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    The bunny replied with a soft, “No, Mr. Bear, I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur.”

    So, the bear wiped its butt with the bunny rabbit.

  • It definitely wouldn’t be this one

    I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.

    He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”

    Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”

  • He was gladiator

    What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

    Nothing. He was gladiator.

  • He couldn’t complain

    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
    He said he couldn’t complain.

  • Just a figure of speech

    My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”

    He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”

    I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”

  • Show it your cross

    Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village when suddenly a vampire jumps out from behind a bush.

    The first nun screams to her friend, “Quick, show it your cross!”

    “Get the fuck out of the way!” she yells.