Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

How Often Do Planes Crash
Dumb Men Jokes Volume 2

Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
Because they don’t have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

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Know the Warning Signs Is Your Child on Drugs

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.

KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS — select the option which best describes your child.

1. Your child’s idea of a fun sport to play is:
A) tossing a pigskin ball around
B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole
C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child’s idea of a responsible adult is:
A) Bill Clinton
B) Tom Hanks
C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child’s favourite hobbies include:
A) Model Rocketry
B) Baseball
C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child’s pet is:
A) a puppy dog
B) a 16′ python
C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.

5. Your child’s breath smells like:
A) a fresh, minty mountain top
B) lunch
C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:
A) Fred and Ginger
B) Regis and Kathy Lee
C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:
A) a precious metal
B) a Mexican theme park
C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:
A) they scored a goal for their soccer team
B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test
C) they scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered “C” to the questions above and consult the table below.

No “C’s” — Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren’t that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all its murkiness.

1-3 “C’s” — Your child might be on drugs, but you can’t be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn’t really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.

3-6 “C’s” — You may as well face it, you’ve got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.

7-8 “C’s” — Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.

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What Fucking Trip

Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.

On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”

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It Will Be Missed

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

It will be missed.
Stair 1 Roof Access
It Was Instant

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, “At least he didn’t suffer — it was instant.”
The Tides Coming In

A man with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach.

A beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor thing. Have you ever been held by a woman?”

“No,” he says sadly.

She kneels down and embraces him. Then she gets up and walks on.

Some time later, another even more beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been kissed?”

“No,” he sighs.

She leans down and kisses him. Then she walks on.

A while after that, a third woman appears. She’s even more beautiful than the first two. She sees the limbless man lying there, looks at him and says, “Have you ever been fucked?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Well you are now, the tide’s coming in!”

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Jesus Doesn’t Drink

Why doesn’t Jesus drink?

Because the last time he got hammered, it took him 3 days to recover.
Not Good Enough For Her Family

On his honeymoon, a redneck is about to make love when his wife asks, “Wait, honey, I have to tell you something. I’m a virgin.”

“WHAT THE HELL?” the man shouts and punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

He wraps her in a sheet, drags her up the stairs, and leads her out the door. He throws her in the back of his pickup truck and drives to her father’s house, where he throws her out in the yard.

Then the man drives to his father’s house, goes inside and hides.

The father sees his son and says, “What the hell are you doing here, boy? Shouldn’t you be with your new wife?”

“Well, Pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

“Oh, holy shit,” Dad says. “What did you do then?”

“I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her in a sheet, dragged her down the stairs, threw her out the door, threw her in the back of my pickup, then drove to her dad’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

Dad starts laughing and, patting his son on the back, says, “Good job, son. If she’s not good enough for her family, then I say she’s not good enough for ours either.”

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