Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Engineering Interview

    Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?

    Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

    Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?

    Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

    Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

    Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

    Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

    Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)

    Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

    Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

    Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

    Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

    Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?

    Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!

    Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?

    Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.

    Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?

    Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?

    Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?

    Interviewer (impatiently): Well?

    Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!

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  • This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?

    This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

    To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

    “Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

    “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

    “There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

    “I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

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  • If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users

    Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”

    Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

    User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”

    Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

    User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

    Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”

    User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”

    Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”

    User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

    Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

    User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”

    Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”

    Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”

    Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

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  • Nine Martini Nightcap

    A tired-looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man’s request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn.

    Finally, the bartender has to ask. “Why all the drinks?”

    “Celebrating!”

    “Oh? What’s the occasion?”

    “My first blowjob.”

    “Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten.”

    “No thanks. If this doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help any.”

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  • You Got Any Toilet Paper on Your Side?

    A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

    A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

    Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

    “I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

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  • It Must Be an Inside Job

    A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right, he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

    “Nope,” came the reply.

    Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, “Did you pour beer on my trousers?”

    The man also replied, “Nope.”

    “Then it must be an inside job,” he murmured.

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  • The Designated Decoy

    A group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin’ for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.

    Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stop sign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.

    Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the officer turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!

    The policeman administered the breathalyzer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. “I don’t understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?” exclaimed the cop. “What’s the story?”

    The man replied smugly, “My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy.”

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  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Charge by the Inch

    Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?”

    As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

    She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

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  • It’s Friday

    Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

    “Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”

    And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

    The officer sighed and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

    Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

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