Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • He Only Has One Eye and One Ear

    A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

  • Sex I Can’t Tell Anyone About

    My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I groaned, “No…”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

  • A Bulldog Eating Mayonnaise

    A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”

    “Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.

    The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”

    “Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”

    His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

  • Ears Have It: A Mistaken Compliment

    A young man is walking through his apartment lobby when he bumps into a gorgeous woman wearing a very loosely-tied robe.

    She begins flirting with him, and after a minute she places her hand on his chest and says, “Let’s go to my place. I hear someone coming.”

    He follows her into her apartment, and once inside she immediately slips off her robe.

    “Tell me,” she purrs, “what do you think is my best feature?”

    “Um, I guess that would be your ears,” he replies nervously.

    “My ears?” she says. “Look at these breasts! And this ass! How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?”

    “Well,” he stammers, “back in the hall when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

  • Biker Seeks God’s Greatest Creation

    Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

    Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”

    The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”

    God says, “Ahhh, yes.”

    “Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
    1. There’s too much front end protrusion
    2. It chatters at high speeds
    3. The rear end wobbles too much
    4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust

    “Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”

    God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

    “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”

  • Monday Sickness: A Suspicious Pattern

    The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

    The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

    Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

    The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.

    Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. “What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”

    The man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long.”

    “Your sister!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting.”

    The man says, “I told you I was sick.”

  • Nobody Wants to Seem Replaceable at Work

    Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

    Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

    Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

    Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

  • Nothing Gets Done Between 7 and 10

    A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.

    “Did you see any active duty?”

    “I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability.”

    “May I ask what happened?”

    “Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

    “You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m.”

    “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

    “Everyone else starts at 7 a.m. but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

  • You’re Not Sterile

    A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

    “Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

    “All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

  • Meow

    One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type seventy words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

    The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”

    The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”

    So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”

    The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

    The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

    The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”

    The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”