Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives.
Man: “One box of laxatives, please?”
Pharmacist: “I’m sorry. We’re all out of stock.”
Man: “What, again?! How does this keep happening?! I’m desperate for some relief!”
Pharmacist: “Well, that’s tough shit, I’m afraid.”
HIM: the dishwasher is acting weird
HER: what’s it doing
HIM: chopping fucking vegetables
A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, “Hey, pal, that’s an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!”
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, “Yes, it has Wi-Fi.”
The Kia driver continues, “Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!”
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, “Yes, there’s a refrigerator.”
Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, “That’s cool, man! What about a TV? I’ve got a TV in my Kia’s backseat!”
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, “Yes, there’s a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!”
The Kia driver says, “Amazing car! But do you have a bed in there? I’ve got a bed in the back of my Kia!”
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It’s undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.
The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first, there’s no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, “Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!”
“This here.” “What is some bullshit?” “Can you be more specific?” “What is some bullshit, right here?” “Correct!” – Ghetto Jeopardy
*RING* “Hello?” “What’s up?” “Aw, man, I was right in the middle of masturbating.” “Then why’d you answer?” “I thought it might be my mom.”
My wife suggested we start sleeping with other people to make our sex lives more exciting, so I asked her how many other guys she planned on having sex with while she’s married to me. Her reply: “Retroactively, or from this point forward?”
The doctor asks the man, “What seems to be the problem, sir?”
The man says, “Well doc, this is gonna sound a little weird. I wasn’t even sure if I should come to you about it, but you know what they say, better safe than sorry!”
The doctor says, “I’ve heard everything there is. Out with it, man, what seems to be the problem?”
The man says, “Well doc, here’s the thing. My shit doesn’t stink anymore.”
“Your shit doesn’t stink anymore?” the doctor repeats back as a question.
“Yes sir. I noticed it a month ago in late April. I was sitting down for my regular morning shit. Everything went well — firm, good size, came right out nice and smooth — and that’s when I noticed. No smell! Not a damn thing! I’ve just been wondering if something might be wrong,” the man explains.
The doctor furrows his brow. “That is indeed puzzling, sir. It says here you’re not married. And you live alone?”
“Just me and my dog,” the man replies.
The doctor scribbles two prescriptions and hands them to the man. “Take one of each, once a day for two weeks and come back to me.”
The man comes back two weeks later. Now he’s angry. His face is red as he grumpily explains, “Doc, I don’t know what you gave me, but ooh boy does my shit stink! I think you might have made things worse! I’m gagging in the bathroom! I can barely stand to be in the room with my own stink now! What in the hell did you give me?”
The doctor replies, “Nasal decongestant and antihistamine.”
