Joke Type: list

List jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Five People Have Jobs Worse Than Yours

    The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository. The ten-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

    Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

    Why am I telling you this? Just think — five people have jobs worse than yours!

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Application for Employment

    This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

    SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • 20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters

    1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

    2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

    3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

    4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

    5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

    6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.

    7. Plagiarism saves time.

    8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

    9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

    10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

    11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

    12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

    13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

    14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

    15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

    16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

    17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

    18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

    19. Succeed in spite of management.

    20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Techs to Change a Light Bulb?

    Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

    Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?

    Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

    Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.

    Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.

    Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.

    Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.

    Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The light bulb works fine in my office.

    Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

    Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

    Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider…

    Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two, and you’ll need a forty-eight-hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb, so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.

    Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Zero — well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

    Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. That’s a hardware problem.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Technical Experiences

    Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

    Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for twenty minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

    Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

    AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

    Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

    Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After forty minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Stupid Things People Have Said Trying to Get Their Computers to Work

    • “Can you fax me a disk?”
    • “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
    • “Can I buy the Internet?”
    • “Oh, you mean I need a modem and a computer to access the Internet!”
    • “I have a 464 with 8K.”
    • “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
    • “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
    • “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
    • “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
    • “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 16 Signs the Call Center Employee You’re Dealing With Is Overseas

    16. Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    15. John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?

    14. The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.

    13. He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols.

    12. The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.

    11. [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.

    10. Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to eject the disk.

    9. You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.

    8. To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.

    7. “No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!”

    6. “And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money…”

    5. I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.

    4. Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!

    3. Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?

    2. Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional eighty wildebeest furs?

    1. I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Stages of Drunkenness

    Stage 1 — SMART

    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    Stage 2 — GOOD LOOKING

    This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 — RICH

    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ’cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    Stage 4 — BULLET PROOF

    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    Stage 5 — INVISIBLE

    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink

    16. The pants you just wet are not your own.

    15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”

    14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”

    13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.

    12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.

    11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.

    10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.

    9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.

    8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.

    7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.

    6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.

    5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.

    4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.

    3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.

    2. You squish when you blink.

    1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part II)

    15. Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. There’s Something About Mary Jane

    13. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up

    12. Merry Poppers

    11. About Schlitz

    10. King Bong

    9. Giggly

    8. S*T*A*S*H

    7. Toke-lahoma!

    6. Heroin Brockovich

    5. Kilo & Snitch

    4. The Matrix: Totally Loaded

    3. Drool Hand ’Lude

    2. Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!

    1. Stingin’ in the Vein

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail