Joke Type: list
List jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Top 15 Signs You’ve Chosen a Bad Culinary School
15. They promise that 100% of their graduates will be ‘sertified sheffs.’
14. ‘Today’s pastry is called Bronuts, and you will need some assistance from a male student.’
13. There’s a Department of Drive-Thru Studies.
12. Every session ends the same: ‘Defrost and microwave to taste.’
11. Week 1: Heimlich maneuver.
10. There’s an angry British man swearing a lot, but mostly about immigrants.
9. ‘Welcome to: Sculpting with Spam: The Forgotten Dessert Meat.’
8. All the donuts in the cafeteria have corners.
7. ‘Note how my blood matches the color of the tomato, so there’s no need to clean it up.’
6. The chef blindfolds you and tells you to kneel before tasting the sausage.
5. You could have sworn the teacher said this was his ‘private masterbasting class.’
4. Your instructor suggests the best way to improve the tastiness of food is to smoke a joint ahead of time.
3. Exotic Sauces 101 no longer draws much interest due to the whole ‘sautéing with snot’ thing.
2. ‘I’d like to introduce our special lecturer on knife skills, professional mohel Rabbi Cohen.’
And the number one sign you’ve chosen a bad culinary school…
1. The box their Kobe beef came in has an NBA logo.
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The Top 15 Songs of the Summer
15. Sunburning Down the House
14. Humidity for the Devil
13. Sweat, Caroline
12. In the Air Conditioning Tonight
11. Juice Box Hero
10. Happiness Is a Warm Sun
9. Burn! Burn! Burn!
8. The Fool on the Grill
7. Gimme Swelter
6. Bake It Off
5. This Is What You Shaved For
4. Tan by Your Man
3. Smells Like Hawaiian Tropic SPF 30
2. Rolling in the Deet
And the number one song of the summer…
1. Can’t Stop the Peeling
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The Top 20 Brexitisms
20. Czechout
19. Byehamas
18. AufWiederSpain
17. Bolts-wanna
16. ToStayOrTogo
15. Cote de AuRevoir
14. Canadivorce
13. Fleeji
12. Scootland
11. Outdia
10. Bounce-nia and Herewegoseeya
9. Dubaibye
8. Afghaniscram
7. China-na-na, Hey Hey, Goodbye!
6. Solongman Islands
5. Australiaderci!
4. Farewales
3. Ethelopeia
2. ColorMeGhana
And the number one Brexitism…
1. Greece Out
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Top 13 Signs You’re a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body (Part II)
13. Three drinks into the bachelorette party, you’ve got a bridesmaid in a headlock telling her how much you love her.
12. If you can locate the sink in under two minutes, the bathroom is clean enough.
11. You’re having trouble grasping the concept of “too much porn.”
10. Late to your wedding because of wardrobe issues? No. Feeling overly emotional? Hardly. Wouldn’t stop to ask for directions? Bingo.
9. Even though it’s only for men, you take Levitra because Ditka’s word is gospel.
8. You use a glue gun to make sure the toilet seat stays up.
7. You constantly scratch your crotch and “adjust” yourself to get comfortable — in line at Starbucks.
6. You just can’t seem to watch Baywatch with your mouth closed.
5. You’re the only woman in the office who heads to the restroom with a full coffee mug and the USA Today sports section.
4. Your friends find you drunk in the restroom yelling, “Show us yer tits!” at the lavatory mirror.
3. Those tiny bits of chaw stuck in your lipstick.
2. You have a fine appreciation for the subtle genius and brilliant comic timing that is Andrew Dice Clay.
And Topfive.com’s number one sign you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body…
1. You haven’t been invited for a girls’ night out since your infamous “farting the alphabet” incident.
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Top 12 Things We Are Most Thankful for This Year
12. Urinal-water-resistant phone cases.
11. Being picked for the “Survivor” series filming over the remainder of the Presidential Primary season.
10. Toilet paper without pieces of bark in it.
9. Black Friday retailers who arm their staff with Tasers.
8. My wife for giving me a new AR-15 after my old one was taken from me in an armed robbery.
7. That there are six degrees of separation between me and Charlie Sheen.
6. I would show you how thankful I am for the Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, but emojis don’t work here.
5. Terrorism and refugee crises put in perspective by students protesting certain Halloween costumes.
4. “Relaxed fit” Jeggings!
3. With the presidential election still a year away, 12 more months of Trump jokes!
2. Lube and needle-nose pliers. Please don’t ask why.
And the number one thing we’re most thankful for this year…
1. The love, patience, and understanding of my fam… [snort]… [chuckle]… sorry. Couldn’t say it with a straight face. CRONUTS, baby! Cronuts are friggin’ AWESOME!
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Top 16 Reindeer Mob Nicknames
16. Rudolph “Bloody Nose” Valentino
15. Dancer “On Your Grave” Zamboni
14. Rudolph “Red Light District” Gambini
13. Dancer “Crazy Legs” Baryshnikov
12. Dancer “With the Fishes” Rigatoni
11. Prancer “The Florist” DiFlamingo
10. Prancer “Twinkle Toes” Balleria
9. Comet “The Cleaner” Colombo
8. Cupid “Kiss of Death” Donnitelli
7. Blitzen “The Mad Bavarian” Schultz
6. Donner “Teflon Donner” Gotti
5. Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani
4. Donner “Party” Cannibali
3. Dancer “Tiny” Eltonjohni
2. Vixen “The Big Antler” De Luca
And the number one Reindeer Mob nickname…
1. Donner “Chimney Plugger” Terrazzo
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Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
The Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)
15) Suddenly every woman’s T-shirt looks like Jennifer Aniston’s.
14) Lines wrap around the block for help-wanted signs at crematoriums.
13) Bipartisan agreement emerges to relocate Trump’s inauguration to Mar-a-Lago.
12) The annual Polar Bear Club outing gets moved to the YMCA indoor pool.
11) You can see your breath and can’t wear flip-flops (Southern California only).
10) Every fire hydrant has two or three dogs stuck to it.
9) Dick Cheney’s cold, dead heart raises Wyoming’s temperature by five degrees.
8) The Kardashian clan has buttoned their blouses all the way up.
7) Climate-change deniers start scheduling their annual “Global warming, my ass!” press conferences.
6) Hillary Clinton breaks out her ice tiara.
5) You gather the family around a witch’s tit for warmth.
4) The state of Florida asks President Trump to build a wall on its northern border.
3) Ann Coulter’s heart just asked for a sweater.
2) The Devil just ordered red thermal “Make Hell Great Again” long johns.
And the #1 sign it’s too F*#king cold…
1) Junior just chipped his milk teeth on your wife’s nipples.
