Joke Type: list

List jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Chocolate Wins: Eight Delicious Reasons Why

    Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

    1. You can GET chocolate

    2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate

    3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft

    4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving

    5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to

    6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother

    7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind

    8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names

    9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate

    10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting coworkers

    11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped

    12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate

    13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it

    14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant

    15. You can have chocolate any time of month

    16. Good chocolate is easy to find

    17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle

    18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate

    19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake

    20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

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  • Computer Safety: A Gentleman’s Guide

    1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.

    3. The fan in your computer’s power supply is not a good place to cool your “heat of passion” (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience).

    4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy “tickling the keys” with your manhood.

    5. Semen IS electrically conductive!

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  • LMFAO Discography

    LMFAO Discography

    lol i’d never checked out LMFAO’s full discography before

    Party Rock (2009)

    Sorry for Party Rocking (2011)

    We Were Going Through Some Stuff (2012)

    Mistakes Were Made (2014)

    We Are Always Growing and Learning (2015)

    We Will Strive To Do Better In Future (2017)

  • Location-Based Orgasms: A Punny Guide

    Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.

    Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.

    Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.

    Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.

    Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.

    Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.

    Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.

    Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.

    Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.

    Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.

    Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms.

    Sex while broke – poor-gasms.

    Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.

    Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.

    Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.

    Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms.

    Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.

    Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.

    Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.

    Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.

    Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.

    Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.

    Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.

    Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.

    Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.

    Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms.

    Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.

    Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.

    Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.

    Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.

    Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.

    Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.

    Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.

    Sex while flying – soar-gasms.

    Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.

    Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.

    Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms.

    Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.

    Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.

    Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms.

    Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.

    Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.

    Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.

    Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms.

    Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.

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  • How to Satisfy a Woman: Get a Dog

    How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:
    Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, floralize, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, never ignore, defend, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she’s puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
    Show up.

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  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Four Types of Orgasms Explained Hilariously

    John: you know there are four types of orgasms?

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    Jim: no what are they?

    John: There’s the POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, RELIGIOUS and FAKE.

    The positive goes oh yes! oh yes!.
    The negative goes oh no! oh no!
    The religious goes oh God! oh God!
    And the fake one goes OH JIM! OH JIM!.

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  • Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

    Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
    I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
    I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
    I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
    I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

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  • Warning Labels for the Dangerously Obvious and Absurd

    Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
    OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer –
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos –
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

    12. On a bar of Dial soap –
    DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

    13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

    17. On a Japanese food processor –
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

    18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
    WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

    21. On a child’s superman costume –
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

    22. On some frozen dinners
    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nytol sleep aid
    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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  • Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

    AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!

    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

    In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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