I finally worked up the courage to ask my blind coworker if she was currently seeing anyone.
She said, “No, but I have a boyfriend.”
Joke Type: misunderstanding
Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Pope at the Gates of Heaven
The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven…
He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.
St. Peter: “Yes? How can I help you?”
Pope: “I want to speak with God.”
St. Peter: “And you are?”
Pope, frustrated: “I’m the Pope!”
St. Peter: “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Pope, very angry: “I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!”
St. Peter closes the Gate and goes to God.
St. Peter: “My Lord, there is someone who wants to talk with you.”
God: “Who?”
St. Peter: “He calls himself the Pope.”
God: “Who is that supposed to be?”
St. Peter: “I don’t know, what should we do with him?”
God: “Let Jesus talk with him, he spent some time down there.”
Jesus goes to the Pope.
A few minutes later Jesus returns laughing like there is no tomorrow.
God: “What’s so funny, Jesus?”
Jesus: “Father, you won’t believe this — that fishing club I founded 2,000 years ago, it still exists!”
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The Blonde and the River
A blonde was staring dumbfounded at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side.
She yelled, “Hey, can you help me get to the other side?”
The other blonde replied, “You ARE on the other side!”
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Jose at the Ballgame
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
“What happened?” asked his family.
“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, ‘Jose, can you see?’”
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Sister Sally and the Gin
Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.
The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”
“It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”
“Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.
After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.
“Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”
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Uncle Terrence Names the Twins
Harry was deployed in the military when his pregnant wife Suzie was expecting to give birth.
Harry was worried about the logistics of it all and how Suzie would handle the birth as they were pretty far from their family and didn’t have anyone they could reliably ask for help.
Harry decided to ask his family if they could send someone to help Suzie.
“Your brother Terrence will be available, let’s ask him,” Harry’s mom suggested on the phone.
“Mom, Terrence couldn’t tell his left foot from his right one, he once punched a mirror because he thought his own reflection was someone else. I don’t want that idiot near my kids,” Harry replied.
“Nonsense, that was years ago, he’s doing much better now. He’s great with instructions and will do all that the doctors say,” his mom replied, and so Harry reluctantly agreed.
On the fateful day, Suzie called Harry and told him she felt her water breaking and was rushing to the hospital. Harry called up his brother Terrence and asked him to accompany Suzie and do what the doctors said.
Over the next few days Harry only got brief updates from Terrence with messages like “under control” and “don’t worry.”
6 days later Harry finally got Terrence on the phone and asked him for the good news.
“There’s good news and bad news,” Terrence said.
“What’s the bad news?” Harry asked.
“Suzie is still at the hospital and the doctors say she’ll need a few days to come around,” replied Terrence.
“And the good news?” Harry asked tentatively.
“You got twins, they’re both healthy, but there’s better news.”
Harry let out a large sigh of relief. “Ok, what’s the better news?”
“They’re a boy and a girl. Mom came over today and we got the kids home. But there’s even better news,” Terrence replied.
Harry was relieved but puzzled. “What’s the better news now?”
“I got to name them,” Terrence said happily.
Harry groaned loudly and angrily asked, “Did you name my son Denephew?”
“No no, I named him Harrison,” Terrence replied.
“Ok that’s not so bad,” Harry replied, but then immediately yelped, “WAIT, did you name my daughter Harridaughter?”
“Of course not,” replied Terrence confidently. “I named her Ford.”
