I’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. He saw my license and said I’m supposed to be wearing glasses. I said I have contacts.
He said he didn’t care who I knew.
Joke Type: misunderstanding
Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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It Was Actually Salsa
I thought the audience was throwing tomato sauce at the tango dancer, but it was actually salsa.
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Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course
Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”
So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.
“I don’t remember.”
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Milton and the Chainsaw
Milton went to the store and bought a chainsaw. The next day, he brings it back, mad, and says, “Look, you told me that this chainsaw would cut down 25 trees in an hour and I spent all day yesterday and only cut 1 down.”
The clerk says, “Let me check it to see if it’s working right.” He starts it right up no problem and BRRRRRR!!!!
Milton jumps back in surprise and says, “What the hell is that noise?”
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The Pastor and the Post Office
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”
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A Quick 9 Holes
A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.
He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”
She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”
He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”
She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!
The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.
The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!
He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”
His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”
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The Most Important Punctuation Mark
A teacher asked, “What’s the most important punctuation mark?”
A little boy replied, “The period.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me why?”
The little boy: “I’m not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad got super mad, and the boy a few houses down left town and never came back.”
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Widdle Wabbits
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, “Excuse me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shopkeeper’s heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy widdle wabbit, or one like that brown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “I don’t weally fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”
