Little Johnny: Dad, why are you running your hands up and down the horse’s legs, and rump and chest?
Dad: Because when I’m buying a horse, I have to make sure it’s healthy and in good shape.
Little Johnny: Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom…
Joke Type: misunderstanding
Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Lady Leave Me Alone Im Married
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”
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Two Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream
Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”
“It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.
“What does it do?” Mick asks.
“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.
Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
“What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.
“It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.
“Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.
Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”
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Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow
A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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I Remembered Where I Left My Bike
A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”
“I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”
The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”
“When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”
That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”
“Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”
The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”
“I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”
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The Egg Timers Broken
This morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose a moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks!” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
