Joke Type: misunderstanding

Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • I Think My Nails Are Dry Now

    A man walks into a public men’s room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, “Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?”

    The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man’s pants.

    Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

    Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. “Oh, I can take care of that.” the first man says, blowing on his fingers. “I think my nails are dry now.”

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  • All These Years Ive Been Wringing It

    Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

    “Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

    “Like what?” Martin said.

    “All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

    “Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

    “Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

    “I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

    Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

    “What did you do that for?” Martin said.

    “Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

    “Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

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  • Take a Clean Dish

    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

    “Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

    “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and….’”

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  • Make Me a Woman

    A girl and a guy are in an elevator, and the girl takes off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and says, “Make me a woman.”

    The man takes off all his clothes and throws them on the ground and says pick them up.

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  • 4 Better 4 Worse 4 Richer 4 Poorer

    A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

    “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

    “How do you know that?”

    “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

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  • Hair on Your Muffin

    A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cupcake while her dad gets his haircut.

    The barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”

    “I know,” she replies. “I’m gonna get tits too.”

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  • Im Monica

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

    The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

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  • Climb the Fucking Walls

    The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

    The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

    The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”

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  • They Dont Fuck Around at Those Crematoriums

    A seven-year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

    Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?
    Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.
    Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I hope?
    Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don’t fuck around at those crematoriums.

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  • She Ate All the Bait

    A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

    “I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

    “Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

    The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

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