Joke Type: misunderstanding

Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Daddy Longlegs Stomps Out Gay Spiders

    A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

    “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!”

  • Who the Hell is Bob?

    There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the states and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had.

    Every day it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

    Every night it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

    Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, “Beautiful Butt.” So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, “There is no way I can get ‘Beautiful Butt’ on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice ‘B’ on each cheek which will stand for ‘Beautiful Butt.’”

    A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B’s. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

    Quickly sitting up he exclaims, “Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?”

  • Swedish Massage With a Twist

    A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

    A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

    “You wanna wank?”, she asked.

    “You bet,” came the excited reply.

    “O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”

  • Tonto Kowalski, Nice to Meet You

    A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

    He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

    He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”

  • Drive-Thru Speaker Fixed

    I told one of my HMO patients to go get a tonsillectomy, and now he’s mad because he thought I said “appendectomy” and got his appendix removed instead. I guess I should really look into getting my drive-thru speaker fixed.

  • Dating the Anatomically Disproportionate Guy

    “The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist,” reported the girl.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “You mean literally–whips and that sort of thing?” asked her roommate.

    “Worse than that! The creep screwed me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me goodbye with an eight-inch tongue!”

  • Grandma’s Shock at Modern Sex Education Curriculum

    Grandma, who was living with her daughter’s family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. “What did you learn today?” she asked.

    “Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff,” he replied matter-of-factly.

    The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.

    Her daughter replied, “Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it’s all part of the curriculum.”

    A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson’s bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.

    “Sonny,” she said, “when you’re finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat.”

  • Magazines, Not Relationships: A Therapy Session

    David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, “How is your sex life?”

    “I have a lot of issues with sex,” David replies.

    “What kind of issues?” the therapist asks.

    “Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse.”

  • Sex Life Scored by Guessing Game Results

    Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Now please begin.

    “CLUES”

    1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

    2. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

    3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger.

    4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

    5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

    6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

    7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

    8. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

    9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

    10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news.

    11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

    12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

    13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

    Answers:

    1. nose
    2. peanut butter
    3. crane
    4. Titanic
    5. tent
    6. dentist
    7. wedding ring
    8. elevator
    9. chewing gum
    10. newspaper boy
    11. glove
    12. arrow
    13. attorney

  • Waiting Room Examine

    Waiting Room Examine

    WAITING ROOM

    “I never said anything about me being a doctor… I just said I’d like to examine your breasts.”