Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse.
He asks the farmer, “Can I thee her walk?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he pats the horse’s rear to make it walk.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her wun?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he slaps the horse’s rear to make it run.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her twot?”
The farmer says, “Um, sure?” And he lifts the horse’s tail.
A juggler is driving to his next performance when he gets pulled over by the police.
The officer spots some matches and lighter fluid in the car and asks, “What’s all this for?”
“I’m a juggler,” the man says. “I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
The cop looks skeptical. “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.”
So the juggler gets out of the car and starts expertly juggling flaming torches on the side of the road.
The cop stands by, watching intently.
Meanwhile, a passing couple slows down to watch.
“Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
Son: “So, Dad… why the heck did Mom kick you out of the house?”
Dad: “Well, Son, it’s crazy, she overheard me on the phone with Uncle Mike talking about running some errands.”
Son: “What errands?”
Dad: “Mike was going to pick up a used car, and I was heading to the store for a tool to strip paint off some furniture.”
Son: “What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t sound so bad…”
Dad: “Yeah… I know, but all your mum heard was, ‘You go get the Escort, I’ll grab the stripper, and we’ll meet at your place.’”
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie…” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete’s sake!” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”
The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”
The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”
The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”
“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”
“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”
The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.
The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”
There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”
