Joke Type: relatable

Relatable jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

    You fall off the floor quite often.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.

    Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.

    You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.

  • Alcohol Warnings

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

  • New Government Warnings

    As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

  • High Salary No Experience

    High Salary No Experience

    Her: You’re asking for a pretty high salary for someone who has no experience in this field.

    Him: Well, this job is gonna be super hard since I have no idea wtf I’m doing.

  • Buffet Line

    Buffet Line

    Everyone lines up for the main course while the salad sits alone

  • It’s a Date!

    A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”

    Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”

    “Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their …And Justice for All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was twelve years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”

    The man can’t believe it.

    “I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”

    Naturally, they’re both shocked.

    “If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”

    Now the man is really taken aback. “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in nineteenth-century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer. I absolutely love Mark Twain.”

    They both can’t believe it… this has got to be a match made in heaven.

    “Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”

    The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date!”

  • Slip Into Something Comfortable

    Slip Into Something Comfortable

    allow me to slip into something more comfortable ~

    *gets in my car and leaves*

  • It Was Just a Meme

    It Was Just a Meme

    WHEN YOUR GIRL SEE YOU SMILING AT YOUR PHONE

    “Go fuckin be with her if she’s So funny”

    “it was just a meme”

  • Not Jake From State Farm

    Not Jake From State Farm

    When you were talking on the phone at 3 a.m. and it wasn’t Jake from State Farm

  • Birth Control Drug

    Birth Control Drug

    When she crushes up her birth control an snorts it:

    Drug