My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.
Joke Type: self-deprecating
Self-deprecating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Preferred Seating on the Short Bus
On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?
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Positive Thoughts
They say if you have positive thoughts about something, it will happen. Well, I’ve been thinking positively about my neighbor’s 19-year-old daughter, but so far, no luck. I think maybe my wife’s negative thoughts are interfering.
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Fish Mr Brightside
I’m comin’ out of the lake and I’ve been doin’ just fine, gotta gotta get out because I wanna walk.
Started out as a fish, how did it end up like this?
I was only a fish, I was only a fish.
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Forty Five Minutes Toilet Memes
When you get up after spending forty-five minutes on the toilet looking at memes
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That Was Patricia
When someone tells you how drunk you were last night
That wasn’t me. That was Patricia.
