When I responded to an ad for a free psychic reading, she told me I was the type of person who wants something for nothing. How could she possibly know that?
Joke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Doorknob Trouble: Passionate Bathroom Encounter Goes Wrong
This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, “What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”
His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!”
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Grandpa’s Sexual Decline Through the Years
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time…and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year…maybe on your anniversary.”
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well, how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘Screw You,’ and I holler back, ‘Screw You too!’”
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John’s Compliment Comes Back to Haunt Him
John receives a phone call.
“Hello,” he answers.
The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”
John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”
Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”
John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”
Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”
John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”
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Panties on the Ceiling
Melissa came home late from her date. She was tired, so on her way to her bedroom she threw her coat over a dining room chair, threw her purse into the kitchen table, and just threw her clothes all over her bedroom floor without a care.
Next morning at breakfast her mother asked if she had a good time last night.
“Oh yeah” she said, “the best ever”
“I thought so” said mom, “your panties are still stuck to the ceiling”
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Walmart Twins
A homely woman walks into Walmart with two children — a five-year-old boy and a ten-year-old boy.
The greeter says, “Welcome to Walmart. Your boys must be twins.”
The woman says, “What the hell makes you think they’re twins? One’s five and the other’s ten.”
The greeter replies, “I just can’t imagine anyone fucking you twice.”
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Fireman’s Home Alarm System Gets Misused
A fireman was talking to his wife and told her “We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that’s what we’re going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.”
Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe.
Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed.
Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw.
After a couple of minutes, his wife said “four bells.”
The fireman said “What’s that mean?”
She said “The fire is not out and I need more hose!”
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Wetting My Fingers to Turn the Pages
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing taking all your gear off?”
The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier.”
The husband said, “No, not at all.”
The wife then asked, “Well, what were you doing then?”
“Oh,” he said, “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!”
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The Condom Flew Across the Room
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got really pissed off.
