Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Two police officers stood beside a man who was bitterly crying.
“Wow,” said one police officer, “he must have really loved that car.”
“Not really,” said the other police officer. “It was five years old but fully insured. He’s crying because he just filled his gas tank.”
I went to a restaurant run by midgets and the service was terrible.
In their defense, they’re short staffed.
A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.
Outside, he hung a sign:
TREATMENT: $20
IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK
A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”
He walked in.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”
The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”
Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”
Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”
Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”
The lawyer looks at the bill.
“Hey… this is only $20!”
Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”
An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.
The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more. The centipede says, “No, let me do it. You’d take too long. I have a lot more legs than you — I can do it faster!” The bugs agree.
Ten minutes pass… then twenty minutes, then thirty, then more. The spider asks, “What’s taking him so long?” The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.
The ant asks, “Hey man, what’s taking you so long?”
The centipede replies, “I’m still putting on my shoes.”
A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage IV throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again.
She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. “I want to do something for you,” she whispers. “One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex.”
The husband is taken aback. “Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain… we don’t have to do that.” But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a “whole woman” before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light.
The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area.
The man’s heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. “Is she… is she gone? Did I lose her?”
“No, no,” the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “We didn’t even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors… they’re just gone. There isn’t a single malignant cell left in her throat.”
The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman’s throat. Though it’s embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It’s the only thing he can think of.
A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. “Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure.”
The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. “We’re going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn’t nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the… direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured, and this could save millions more in the future.”
The wife is beside herself with joy, clutching the husband’s hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey.
“Honey?” she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. “What is it? This is a miracle!”
The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare.
“My father called this morning… he was just diagnosed with Stage IV rectal cancer.”
Two guys decide to have a butt kicking contest.
The first guy takes a long run, hauls off, and kicks the other guy so hard he goes flying ten feet.
The second guy lies there for a minute, gasping in pain, then pulls himself together, stands up, and says, “My turn.”
The first guy says, “Never mind, you win.”
