Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Is There Baseball in Heaven

    Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.

    Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

    Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”

    They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.

    One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

    Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

    “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

    Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”

    “Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”

    “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

    Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”

    Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”

    Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”

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  • Uncle Terrence Names the Twins

    Harry was deployed in the military when his pregnant wife Suzie was expecting to give birth.

    Harry was worried about the logistics of it all and how Suzie would handle the birth as they were pretty far from their family and didn’t have anyone they could reliably ask for help.

    Harry decided to ask his family if they could send someone to help Suzie.

    “Your brother Terrence will be available, let’s ask him,” Harry’s mom suggested on the phone.

    “Mom, Terrence couldn’t tell his left foot from his right one, he once punched a mirror because he thought his own reflection was someone else. I don’t want that idiot near my kids,” Harry replied.

    “Nonsense, that was years ago, he’s doing much better now. He’s great with instructions and will do all that the doctors say,” his mom replied, and so Harry reluctantly agreed.

    On the fateful day, Suzie called Harry and told him she felt her water breaking and was rushing to the hospital. Harry called up his brother Terrence and asked him to accompany Suzie and do what the doctors said.

    Over the next few days Harry only got brief updates from Terrence with messages like “under control” and “don’t worry.”

    6 days later Harry finally got Terrence on the phone and asked him for the good news.

    “There’s good news and bad news,” Terrence said.

    “What’s the bad news?” Harry asked.

    “Suzie is still at the hospital and the doctors say she’ll need a few days to come around,” replied Terrence.

    “And the good news?” Harry asked tentatively.

    “You got twins, they’re both healthy, but there’s better news.”

    Harry let out a large sigh of relief. “Ok, what’s the better news?”

    “They’re a boy and a girl. Mom came over today and we got the kids home. But there’s even better news,” Terrence replied.

    Harry was relieved but puzzled. “What’s the better news now?”

    “I got to name them,” Terrence said happily.

    Harry groaned loudly and angrily asked, “Did you name my son Denephew?”

    “No no, I named him Harrison,” Terrence replied.

    “Ok that’s not so bad,” Harry replied, but then immediately yelped, “WAIT, did you name my daughter Harridaughter?”

    “Of course not,” replied Terrence confidently. “I named her Ford.”

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  • I Have Contacts

    I’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. He saw my license and said I’m supposed to be wearing glasses. I said I have contacts.

    He said he didn’t care who I knew.

  • You Guys Have No Life

    What did Earth say to the other planets?

    Wow, you guys have no life.

  • It Was Actually Salsa

    I thought the audience was throwing tomato sauce at the tango dancer, but it was actually salsa.

  • Still Wouldn’t Tell Me Why It Crossed the Road

    I grilled a chicken for two hours…

    Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

  • The Lesser of Two Evils

    My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”

    I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”

  • Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course

    Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!

    His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

    “That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”

    “He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”

    So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”

    “Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

    “Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.

    “I don’t remember.”

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  • Milton and the Chainsaw

    Milton went to the store and bought a chainsaw. The next day, he brings it back, mad, and says, “Look, you told me that this chainsaw would cut down 25 trees in an hour and I spent all day yesterday and only cut 1 down.”

    The clerk says, “Let me check it to see if it’s working right.” He starts it right up no problem and BRRRRRR!!!!

    Milton jumps back in surprise and says, “What the hell is that noise?”

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  • The Pastor and the Post Office

    A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…

    As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

    The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”

    The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

    The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”

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