Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Frame a man for murder and the state will feed him every day for 25-to-life.
Sensitivity: Dark
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
I don’t know why some people don’t believe in sex before marriage.
I don’t know why some people don’t believe in sex before marriage. If you ask me, it’s a hell of a lot more believable than sex AFTER marriage!
-
I tried making Grandpa’s funeral fun by having him dressed in a clown suit.
I tried making Grandpa’s funeral fun by having him dressed in a clown suit. Nobody appreciated it, though. Was it his oversized shoes, his flower that squirted water at the mourners, or my constantly beeping that big, irresistible red nose that caused such a disturbance?
-
I’d say the worst part of starting a brand new relationship is discovering she lives in
I’d say the worst part of starting a brand new relationship is discovering she lives in a place with a spiral staircase and then having to dump her. Like hell I’m gonna someday have to move a queen bed or armoire down that thing.
-
When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to
When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to help those less fortunate than myself. I figure my best chance for that happening is if they confuse me with someone other guy who looked a lot like me.
-
Life sucks, then you die.
Life sucks, then you die. It’s *that* great an orgasm.
-
I don’t want to be an alarmist, but what the hell else can you do with this crappy Clock
I don’t want to be an alarmist, but what the hell else can you do with this crappy Clock Radio Tech degree from DeVry?
-
I told my wife I would understand if she found another lover after I was gone, because
I told my wife I would understand if she found another lover after I was gone, because life goes on, and she is a beautiful, vibrant woman who should not be alone. However, I meant “gone” as in “dead,” not gone as in “at the office.”
-
“Give me freedom or give me death!”
“Give me freedom or give me death!” could possibly result in you getting death, so I invented a safer version. I approach a group of women and cry, “Give me freedom or give me sex!” Guaranteed freedom — albeit with some restrictions in the restraining order.
-
Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires
Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires were probably going to end up selling their blood down at the local clinic anyway.
