Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Slow Foursome on the Golf Course

    A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.

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    After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:

    “What is wrong with these guys?! They’re terrible!”

    The caddy nearby says,

    “Oh, you didn’t hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.”

    The priest bows his head and says,

    “That’s so tragic… I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”

    The doctor says,

    “I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.”

    The golfer pauses, then says…

    “Why can’t they just play at night?”

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  • The Worst Round of Golf

    Guy gets home from golf and his wife asks, “How was the game?”

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    “Terrible, Dave dropped dead of a heart attack on the third tee.”

    “Oh, how awful!”

    “You’re telling me! The rest of the round it was hit a shot, drag Dave, hit a shot, drag Dave…”

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  • The Doctor’s Good News

    A guy’s mother-in-law comes to live with him…

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    One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

    The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

    The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad news.”

    The guy says, “Alright, give me the bad news first.”

    The doctor says, “Your mother-in-law is not going to die. She had a massive stroke, but she is probably going to live another 20-30 years. The problem is the stroke has rendered her unable to speak. She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now. It has also disabled her ability to use her arms. For the next 20-30 years you are going to have to feed her baby food 3 times a day. Also, it’s made her incontinent, so you’re going to have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day for the next 20-30 years.”

    “Oh my gosh,” the guy said. “What’s the good news?”

    The doctor chuckles and goes, “I’m just kidding with you… she died.”

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  • The Husband Who Cried the Most

    A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…

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    Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!

    When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”

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  • Jurassic Park Extra Children In Case Dinosaurs Ate One

    Jurassic Park Extra Children In Case Dinosaurs Ate One

  • I Have Never Been a Mourning Person

    I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.

  • The Twenty-Dollar Tomatoes

    A guy went to a supermarket to buy 2 tomatoes.

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    At the checkout, the clerk said, “That’ll be $20.”

    The guy was upset. “Two tomatoes for $20? Are you out of your mind?!”

    The clerk said, “That’s the price, you want them or not?”

    The guy said, “I don’t want them, and you know what you can do with them?”

    The clerk said, “I can’t, there’s already a $10 cucumber there.”

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  • Grandma in the Lineup

    A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…

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    One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

    The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

    Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

    Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

    When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

    Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

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  • David and the Nasty Parrot

    For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.

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    The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.

    One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.

    The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.

    Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”

    David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”

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  • Your Dick Not Twelve Inches Smells Like A Foot

    Your Dick Not Twelve Inches Smells Like A Foot