I said to my wife, “I want to marry another woman.” Just to see her reaction.
On the first day, I saw nothing. Then on the second day, I still saw nothing. On the third day, I started to see a little with my left eye.
Sensitivity: Dark
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Importance of Vocabulary
A kid asks his dad, “My English teacher says that it’s important to have a good vocabulary. Is that true?”
And his dad says, “Absolutely, son. For example… If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ your mother would be alive today.”
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The Scones for the Funeral
An elderly gentleman is lying on his deathbed in his home, surrounded by his family.
Suddenly, he opens his eyes, sniffs the air, and smiles weakly.
“Ah…” he whispers. “Is that my wife baking her famous warm, fresh scones?”
His grandson nods softly.
“Yes, Grandfather. She is in the kitchen right now.”
The old man uses every ounce of his remaining strength to crawl out of bed, shuffle slowly down the stairs, and make his way into the kitchen.
He reaches his trembling hand toward a beautifully golden scone cooling on the counter.
Suddenly, his wife smacks his hand away with a wooden spoon.
“Don’t touch those,” she says sharply. “They’re for the funeral.”
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The Search Party and the Well
Little Anne Patterson had been missing for three days now and things were looking grim.
The family lived on the edge of an old forest, made famous by its ability to cause even the most seasoned hiker to lose their way. There was something labyrinthian about that woodland.
Anne was told never to go out into the forest, but curiosity often proved stronger than her better judgment. She had ventured into the wood on more than one occasion, but in each of these instances, her father was able to get a hold of her before she got too far.
This time was different.
A search party had been assembled, combing the Patterson’s vast property.
In the days since her disappearance, the group had trudged through 10 square miles of wilderness. There was no sign of her until they came across one of her mittens. The second was found 50 feet to the west of the first.
So they continued west through the densest section of forest yet and eventually came to a clearing with an ancient well in the center.
A quiet fell among the party as they realized what had likely happened here.
After a few minutes of tense stasis, the lead detective on the investigation stepped forward to take a look down the well.
He put his hands on the cold, moldy brick that made up the well’s outer rim and peered over into the abyss.
He could see nothing.
“Anne?” he yelled down, hoping he would hear her voice in response. But the only reply was his own echo.
He turned around and faced Anne’s father, Greg.
“I yelled down the well to see if she’d reply, but there was no Anne, sir.”
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Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services
Nothing says lovin’ like something warm from the oven lol…. Woohoo
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The Teddy Bear Collection
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk, they laugh, and really hit it off.
Before long, they decide to go back to his place.
As he shows her around his apartment, she notices something unusual in his bedroom… an entire wall covered in soft, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three long shelves filled from end to end.
The bottom shelf is lined with small teddy bears.
The middle shelf holds medium-sized bears.
And the top shelf is packed with huge, oversized teddy bears.
She can tell he spent a lot of time arranging them just right.
For such a masculine-looking guy, the display surprises her—but she also finds it sweet and endearing.
She doesn’t say anything, but she’s impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine, talk for hours, and the more they talk, the more she thinks, “Oh my… this man might actually be the one. He could even be the father of my future children.”
They start kissing. The chemistry is strong. Soon he sweeps her into his arms and carries her to the bedroom.
After an intense night of passion, they lie together, catching their breath.
She gently strokes his chest, smiles, and asks softly, “Well… how was it?”
He smiles back, brushes her cheek, looks lovingly into her eyes and says, “Help yourself to any prize… from the middle shelf.”
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Dinner with the Girlfriend’s Parents
A man is invited to his girlfriend’s home for dinner to meet her family. He purchases a motorcycle the day of the dinner for an amazingly low price. The man selling the motorcycle throws in a free tub of Vaseline with the purchase. He tells the buyer that he is selling it for such a low price because this particular motorcycle can’t have a wet carburetor. The moment there is a hint of rain, it must be covered in Vaseline. The buyer agrees and can’t wait to show up at his girlfriend’s parents’ home riding a motorcycle.
She warns him that her family has an unusual dinner tradition: the first person to speak must do all the dishes. He thinks it’s odd but agrees to the dinner.
He drives up to the house and puts the tub of Vaseline in his pocket and goes to the door. His girlfriend opens the door and whispers to him that dinner has already begun and he must remain silent or else do all of the dishes. He walks past the kitchen and sees what looks like a week of dirty dishes piled up. He certainly is not going to speak first and be stuck with that mess.
He sits down and sees a family eating dinner with their heads down, eating in complete silence. He decides he can get someone to speak. He throws his girlfriend on the dinner table and has his way with her. Nobody even looks up.
He then throws the mother on the table and has his way with her. Again, nobody even looks up from their plate.
Just then, a loud clap of thunder rattles the house. Remembering about the motorcycle, the boyfriend reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline.
The father stands up and says, “Okay, I’ll do the dishes!”
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The Unused Christmas Gift
At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother-in-law and she asks, “Where’s mine?”
He says, “I didn’t get you anything this year.”
Visibly upset, she asks why.
He says, “You never used what I got you last year.”
She yelled, “IT WAS A BURIAL PLOT!”
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Bob and the Cheat Day
Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
Yesterday, his wife suggested they have a cheat day.
She came home with pizza and McDonald’s French fries.
Bob came home with his secretary.
Visiting hours for Bob are between 9:00am and 2:00pm at Jackson Memorial Hospital.
