when you haven’t stolen anything in a week
Sensitivity: Dark
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Jew In Oven
Carryout Orders:
76 LINDSEY – Now – Ready
78 MARTIN SCHMIDT – Now – Ready
79 LYNN MURRAY – Now – Ready
81 JEW – 4 minutes – In Oven
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No Mother Robs Store
NO MOTHER SHOULD HAVE TO FEAR FOR HER SON’S LIFE EVERY TIME HE ROBS A STORE
RESIST AND !!
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Odyssey Named After
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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The Third Old Lady Couldnt Reach
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
All of a sudden a strange man in a trench-coat walks in front of them and blatantly flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady also had a stroke.
But the third old lady couldn’t reach.
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Our Prayers Have Been Answered
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”
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You Can Choose Any Prize From the Bottom Shelf
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.
After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”
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My Boss Is Like a Fine Wine
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, “Not yet, let’s wait for a special occasion.”
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Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
14. Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”
12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”
9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”
8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”
6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”
3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?
1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] -
Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
13. Some Like It Cold
12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
9. Lifeless in Seattle
8. The Right Stiff
7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
4. The Corpse Whisperer
3. CASketball
2. Waiting to Exhume
1. Blue Vulva
