Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Grassy Ass

    Grassy Ass

  • Red Kinda Sus

    Red Kinda Sus

  • What The Fuck You Do All Day

    What The Fuck You Do All Day

  • Types of Men

    Types of men…

    Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
    Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
    Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
    Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

    Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
    Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
    Advantages: Stays put; predictable
    Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

    Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
    Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
    Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
    Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

    Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
    Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
    Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
    Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

    Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
    Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
    Advantages: Well rested; easy target
    Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

    The Sneak – “Who, me?”
    Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
    Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
    Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

    Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
    Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
    Advantages: Perpetually aroused
    Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

    The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
    Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
    Advantages: Tells good stories
    Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

    Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
    Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
    Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
    Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

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  • Small World

    Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).

    After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

    He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

    The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”

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  • Her Story vs His Story

    A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

    Her story:

    He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

    Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

    Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????

    His story:

    Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.

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  • How Many Men Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb

    How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

    Four — one to actually change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.

  • So Is the Red Haired Schoolteacher

    The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.

    “Well, we’re a mite crowded, since there’s already someone in the spare room,” replied the farmer. “But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.”

    “Look,” said the tourist, “I want you to know I’m a gentleman.”

    “Well,” mused the farmer, “as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.”

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  • The Difference Between Men and Women in One Paragraph

    The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

    A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG!!”

    The man immediately leans out his window and replies “BITCH.”

    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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  • Dumb Men Jokes Volume 4

    Why do men like love at first sight?
    It saves them a lot of time.

    A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
    Dating children.

    How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

    Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.

    How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
    All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

    How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
    At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
    Exchange him.

    Why do bachelors like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

    Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.

    What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don’t have eyes.

    How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

    What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.

    Why are blonde jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.

    How are men and parking spots alike?
    The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped.

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